by Ali MacLeod
I love Google. I use it every day of my life. It can answer every question I have, from “Where’s the nearest Starbucks?” to “Who’s the current Secretary of the Interior?” to “How can I get over my crippling anxiety and live life like a normal human being without crying every time I have to talk to a cashier?” And a lot of people feel the same way. In fact, a lot of people use Google to get to this very website. Is that spooky or what.
I don’t think I need to tell you why, as soon as I saw the list of search terms that led people to click on theribofbrown.com (Don’t click that link. What are you, stupid?), I was inspired to write this article. It’s a primary source for the age of the Internet, and it very clearly categorizes our species, Homo googleus, into several distinct categories.
Note: every single one of these searches is a totally legitimate term that brought someone to the Rib’s website. You can’t make this stuff up, folks.
1. The Politico.
This guy just wants the cold, hard facts.
“could waka flocka win election”
“what party is waka flocka running on”
“waka flocka presdients choice financial”
“waka flocka enough sognatures ballot”
“waka flocka flame political party”
“waka flocka political experience”
“waka flocka president democratic or republican”
“waka flocka flame education reform”
These were all made within an hour of each other. How much time did this guy spend researching?! And also Waka, are you hiring campaign managers? Because I think I may have just found your most loyal fan.
2. The Lost
These people just need answers to their questions. And they need them now.
“taurus guy always asks me to shave him?”
Classic fucking Taurus. Get with a Scorpio, they’re much hotter.
“what hapens when female swipe penis?”
You just have to hope Dora’s there in time to stop her.
“cant eye contact with bae”
That’s rough, buddy.
“do girl like when their boyfriend accidentally fart”
Nothing gets my engine going quite like this, yes.
“what should a maidens boobs look like”
As fair and perkieth as yon mountain high.
“zumba first time white girl”
Okay, listen, fellow white girl. I’ve been in the same place. And I’ll tell you what: you’ll be fine. I mean, you’ll look stupid as fuck, don’t get me wrong, but I promise everyone else is too busy worrying about their own workouts to focus on your shitty-ass Caucasian rhythm.
“why is it so difficult to even get dressed as an adult”
…Christ. This got dark fast.
3. The Masturbators
Fuck, there are a lot of them.
“girl shart”
“treadmill sex”
“sweaty women”
“jennifer lopez ass rank”
“old laydis diving tits pitcture”
“panty pooping women”
“amecon girl dance showing breast niple”
“girls mastubra”
“i want girl to punch me in the face”
“slendertone on penis”
“how to girls pooping step with photos”
“elsa huge boobs gif”
“looking for girl similliar to nicky minaj fat sexy ass fucking clips”
Okay, yeah, there are literal hundreds like this. I’m just going to have to pull out my favorites.
“boney whomen porn”
Boney Whomen would be a good name for a Republican presidential candidate
“girls suckling banana”
Not sucking, friends. Suckling. Jesus, that’s a disgusting word.
“homemade chubby craigslist brunette”
Homemade, and gluten-free if possible.
“the ass or anus of nicki minaj”
Oh, well, thank you for clarifying.
“very tremendous female ass”
It can’t just be good. It can’t even be just tremendous.
“comedy while doing sex . com”
…Bro. Let me know if you ever find this website.
“free boobin”
FREE BOOBIN. Did we all hear this last one? Free boobin.
I love the internet.
4. Honorable mentions
Too good not to include.
Gummi turds
Now, turd is a word that I haven’t seen around in a couple years. It’s a good one. It should really make a comeback. But it really should not make the next Haribo product.
loner eating ben and jerrys
Oh my god, someone was Google stalking me??
romantic axolotl
timeline of andrew jackson
…kid, I think you might be on the wrong website.
If I learned anything from this experience, it is that people will Google anything… but mostly porn. And hey, I’m not above degrading myself for page views, so…
hot girls sexy jello peanut butter coconut farting gravy boobs boobies breast candy whipped cream boner bra urine cup santa popsicle 401k grilled cheese tupperware mop marshmallow hungry food ratty cajun pasta leaving now to go eat bye
