All Zumba classes are equal parts spandex and Pitbull; by design, it is meant to be ridiculous. Even the best dancers look foolish dancing Zumba, and that is why everyone should consider trying it out, because deliberately humiliating yourself while wearing lycra shorts builds character in a way no other activity in cotton pants can. In case you are still afraid (although for the life of me I cannot understand why a roomful of camel-toed, awkward girls like myself should intimidate you), here is your guide to a Zumba class, Cady.
1) The Asstastic: The first thing you should do is to look out for the girl with the best ass in the class, standing right next to the instructor. While the rest of us are working hard to avoid looking at ourselves during the ridiculous warm-up dance, this girl is making love to her own reflection. Don’t be pressured by the fact that there is a girl possessed/blessed by the spirit of Shakira; nobody, not even the instructor, can dance like her. If you enjoy having high self-esteem, I would advise you to never stand next to this one.
2) The White Fool: On the opposite side of the spectrum, there is the White Fool. Now, despite the name, the White Fool is not always white. It’s just that 95% of the time it’s a white girl, so I rounded it up. By the second Macklemore song, your instructor will order you to do body rolls – and that’s when the White Fool emerges. She is usually the tall girl at the back with the graceful, long neck of a gazelle and legs that go on forever; you instinctively know that this girl runs around 3 miles a day and probably looks like an expensive pony as she does so. However, in an enclosed dance studio, you do not want to be built like a gazelle-pony hybrid because neither animal is capable of doing a body wave. She is incapable of moving more than two limbs at any one time, has inexplicable urges to dance with her head, and is the most stressed out person in the class. But you can’t laugh at the White Fool; you are very aware that outside of this class, she resumes her life as a Bar Rafaeli body double.
3) The Giggles: Whenever anyone comes with one or more friends to a Zumba class, they become a collective set of giggles. If you want to get a better workout, don’t bring your friends. But if you do bring your friends, your friendship will reach new levels of closeness, as friends who thrust together come to trust each other.
4) The Clark Kent: She is the girl who looks like her lungs just collapsed after the warm-up dance. She has zero muscle definition, as she has never before explored the realm of cardiovascular activities. While the chance of her surviving the class is around 35-60%, she somehow always beats the odds and continues to fight against her body. Everyone in the class, including you, root for her and her heart’s newfound ability to pump faster.
5) The Athlete: She has a similar body to that of the White Fool, but the Athlete triumphs against her bodily design by critically analyzing the instructor’s moves. For the first few seconds of a new routine she will falter, sure, but within minutes she will have willed her body to emulate the routine. She’s a touch mechanical, but nonetheless perfect in technique. Brava.
6) The Face-Dancer: If you only look at her face, you would think she was Beyoncé incarnate – except the rest of her body is not moving. For whatever personal/bodily/medical reasons, she only dances with her face as her body does very little, but her staunch presence allows you to rest once in a while and join her in face-dancing while only tapping your feet.
7) Limb Optional: These are the girls whose bodies have decided to only choose two limbs that will work fluidly. The tragedy of this situation does not require an explanation -refer to Britney at THAT VMAs.
You might be one of these, a couple of these combined, or none of these dancers, as you are a unicorn snowflake unique in your own brand of dysfunctional limb coordination. At the end of the hour, it really doesn’t matter what you are because the class will end the same ridiculous way it started: Pitbull exclaiming ‘Dale’. Honestly, if you can stomach more than five Pitbull songs in one hour, you have all the qualifications for trying out Zumba, so come along for a class. I look forward to labeling you.
image via