Whenever someone asks to use my phone, I usually have to do some emergency editing before forking over My Precious. This includes erasing incriminating texts, deleting embarrassing selfies, and hiding that petty app that tracks who has unfollowed me on Instagram (yeah, that’s right, I know you unfollowed me and I consider it a serious personal attack). But, most importantly, I check my recently used emojis. How am I supposed to explain why the tongue and the hyper-realistic blowfish are next to each other?! My emojis reflect the real, unfiltered version of myself. No matter how hard I try to be sunglasses emoji, I’m really just that awkward black moon face that no one really understands.
If a picture is worth a thousand words, an emoji is worth a million. But a picture of your recently used emojis? Priceless. Check out what your recently used emojis say about you:
1. Basic bitch
You’re the girl who comments “OMG STOP BEING SO PERFECT” on every single Instagram your friends post. You can be seen chucking up the deuces at all times either IRL or via iMessage. You also won’t shut up about how much you love pizza and Netflix… How original. Although, it is pretty impressive that you manage to send emojis so effortlessly while juggling a Venti Pumpkin Spice Latte in your free hand.
2. Immature bro
Did you just turn 12 or 24? Who knows, but you sure as hell never grew out of bathroom humor, and, unfortunately, emoji is more than helpful in facilitating your needs. You might be a pervert, but at least you’re pretty creative when it comes to sexualizing hand gestures. Oh, and it’s no question that anything that could possibly represent a penis tops the list of your most recent emojis.
3. Kid who went to a party once
So you’re probably 14 and just smoked for the first time. No one will know that you accidentally bought oregano instead of weed as long as your recently used emojis reflect your legitimate stoner façade, right? Maybe, if you’re lucky, iOS9 will answer your prayers and add a Bob Marley emoji.
4. Subtly Horny
Hmm, I wonder what that eggplant/corn/banana could mean? A new crash diet? Ingredients for your juice cleanse? The ingredients on the latest episode of Iron Chef? Probably not. Seriously, if you are using any of these emojis, you’re probably not mature enough to do any of the things you’re so blatantly hinting at *winky face*.
5. ?????
Either you sat on your phone or you’re tripping on acid. Maybe both? Either way, I think I need to spend more time exploring the last page of emoji. That purple one is technically the zodiac symbol for cancer, but it kinda looks like “69” flipped horizontally, and could definitely be useful in the future…
6. You’re Drake
Cash and tears. Tears and cash. Those emojis won’t get her back, but at least you have an entire page of crying faces to express the exact stage of heartbreak you’re experiencing. But don’t fret too much, bro. Another day, another dollar to wipe your tears away.