The layman’s Halloween is to the college student’s Halloween as the layman’s birthday is to Trina Vega’s birthweek—and with Halloween on a Monday this year, young adults across the nation are forced to source yet another costume to flex their piercing wit for one more Hallowee(n/k/kend) night.
The collegiate struggle of determining which Cartoon Network characters to sexualize rivals time itself in age. But as politically-conscious young adults, we know that the true purpose of the Halloween costume is to simultaneously broadcast our bureaucratic engagement and induce academic insecurity in peers who fail to recognize our sartorial references.
Fortunately for those scrambling for a final look to round out their repertoire, I’ve been rigorously preparing for such a situation to arise. Read on for a personalized, politically-inspired ensemble—classified, of course, by Myers-Briggs personality type.
- INFJ (The Advocate): The Green Party
Historically lauded as the rarest personality type, Advocates suffer from crippling not-like-other-girls complexes. You won’t catch an INFJ voting for a candidate with a legitimate chance of being elected—how mainstream! Let your costume choice reflect your toxic individuality by dressing as a largely irrelevant third party: throw on a party hat and all the green in your wardrobe to let the public know that you’re not just radically unique, but clever, too!
- INFP (The Mediator): Raúl Castro and Che Guevara
A couple costume is written in the stars for the hopelessly romantic INFP—Romeo and Juliet are just so overdone. This Halloween, showcase a different pair of star-crossed lovers: Marxist insurgent Che Guevara and former Secretary of Cuba Raúl Castro, as inspired by the baseless rumor of their illicit love affair my grandparents have been spreading since fleeing Cuba a half century ago. Grab your beau and beret and let those sparks fly.
- ENFJ (The Protagonist): Every Historical Figure/Event Referenced in Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”
Promiscuous politicians, scandalous celebrities, global humanitarian crises… Billy Joel’s pop culture tour de force is teeming with festive outfit options. This group costume is a cakewalk for the ever-popular, uber-organized ENFJ. Round up your 117 closest friends, claim a polarizing political personality, and rouse some public controversy!
- ENFP (The Campaigner): Ted Mosby’s Hanging Chad Costume
For the quintessential Brown personality type, what better way is there to demonstrate political engagement than dressing in the signature costume of television’s most insufferable protagonist? Rally the troops for the November 8th midterm election to assert your moral superiority and get your civic service brownie points. Happy polling!
- ISFJ (The Defender): John Quincy Adams’ Bathtub Alligator
Defenders don’t tend to stray far from convention, so it’s only appropriate to assign them an animal to perversely objectify—but leave the cat ears at home because this year’s look is sexy alligator! Inspired by the enormous reptile our 6th president kept in the White House bathroom, this costume is sure to help you stand out in a sea of scantily-clad house pets.
- ISFP (The Artist): Large Concretised Monument to the Twentieth Century (2007)
Art is inherently political, especially passively polarizing art of which the primary purpose seems to be to incite discomfort and confusion in passersby. Embrace your ISFP roots and cloak yourself in aluminum to embody Blueno’s ever-controversial successor—and if you have tinfoil to spare, make it a group endeavor and dress as Brown’s premier aluminum turkey roasting pan-based art installment, “Circle Dance”.
- ESFJ (The Consul): The Mikhail Gorbachev Pizza Hut Commercial
Nobody brands themself quite like the ESFJ—or the final leader of the Soviet Union in the 1998 Pizza Hut commercial so adored by AP World History teachers across the nation. Simultaneously celebrate Halloween and the collapse of the USSR with this festive ensemble, which requires nothing more than a suit, a slice, and a hearty capitalist mindset.
- ESFP (The Entertainer): The Intergalactic Community of A Cappella
Entertainers make their presence known, as does IGCAC: Brown’s most vocal political consortium. Perpetually ripe with controversy, a cappella at Brown is already unavoidable—why not throw yourself in the line of fire? For this theatrical getup, bust out your galaxy gear and sing incessantly, much to the distress of the entire student body.
- INTP (The Logician): Vladimir Zhirinovsky’s Presidency
Vladimir Zhirinovsky ran for President of Russia nine times, all in vain (embarrassing). Though a sore subject for Zhirinovsky, his utter electoral failure is convenient for Logicians, who love a good loophole. A non-presidency warrants a non-costume: subvert Halloween tradition this year by wearing nothing at all.
- ENTP (The Debater): Senator Joseph McCarthy
Above all else, ENTPs love to stir the pot. The charm of this costume transcends physical clothing—rather than simply boasting that crisp McCarthy suit jacket, spend your Halloween hurling wild accusations at close friends to incite tension in your intimate social circle. Let the witch hunt begin!
- INTJ (The Architect): Beltway Bandit
Political jargon is the INTJ’s love language, making a beltway bandit the perfect getup to assert your cutting intellect. Wear all black for a sleek robber look, or wear literally anything else and call it a costume—the 15 intellectually inferior types have no clue what a beltway bandit is, anyway.
- ENTJ (The Commander): Sexy Vermin Supreme
ENTJs are nothing if not committed—just like Vermin Supreme, who has run in every single presidential election for the past 30 years. There are exactly two components to this costume, making it a low-effort, high-impact choice: throw a boot on your head and your raunchiest apparel on your body to seize the night like the Commander you are!
- ISTJ (The Logistician): The American Public as Depicted in the 1952 “Ike for President” Advertisement
Truly, I’ve just been waiting for the appropriate platform on which to broadcast my all-time favorite political campaigning strategy (just listen to that key change at 0:40). That being said, since Christina Paxson’s response to my email interrogation of her personality type was less than fruitful, I had to refocus my efforts on a decidedly ISTJ president. So long as you’re reading from a U.S. territory, you’re already dressed for the part.
- ISTP (The Virtuoso): A Sandwich
Virtuosos are known for their versatility—and from catalyzing the onset of World War I to ravaging Ed Miliband’s parliamentary career, no inanimate object has been more versatile in its political influence than the sandwich. Bon appétit!
- ESTJ (The Executive): Tampongate
Sorry, ESTJs. Your brutal honesty makes you the best candidate to showcase the former Prince Charles’ radical candor that so thoroughly disturbed Britain and beyond. A quick Google search reveals no shortage of tampon costumes—slap on a crown and call it a night.
- ESTP (The Entrepreneur): The Spanish Sandcastle Penalty
Last and least (in terms of popularity at Brown, according to my obscenely biased sample population) is the menacing ESTP—fortunately, we have upstanding political systems working to keep these pesky Entrepreneurs in their place! Take Benidorm, Spain, for example, which has so virtuously outlawed sandcastle building on its beaches. The look: a broken birthday hat, popped balloons, take your pick—so long as you start with something harmlessly fun and utterly destroy it (or don’t, and pay a €150 fine).
Images via Wikimedia Commons, CreativeCommons.org