As Family Weekend draws closer, so does your chance of a quick fling with an eligible older man. Who doesn’t love fatherly expertise? Leave behind 3 a.m. “u up?” texts and tighty-whitey skid marks with The Rib’s guide to identifying and landing a DILF this weekend.
Sprinkle, Sprinkle
Find the Trust Fund DILF admiring the building he donated. His Bluetooth earpiece accentuates a perfect salt-and-pepper fade; this DILF knows the importance of accessorizing. To secure your tuition, follow his fashionable assistant (or is that his daughter?) into the Blue Room and order a latte you know your Flex Points won’t cover. When the cashier mentions your balance, use those high-school theater skills and weep softly into your “quiet-luxury” Zara blazer. Graciously thank him for paying and offer to give him a tour of your quaint forced triple. Welcome to off-campus housing.
Who’s Your Caddy?
No matter the weather, Coach DILF sports knee socks, a plastic visor, and winning veneers. After a tender pep talk, all this DILF wants is a game of slap-ass. Tee him up by acting helpless in the Nelson Fitness Center. We recommend wrapping yourself in weighted jump ropes, bending over, and exclaiming, “Oopsie!” When he jogs over to help you up, vent to him about how there aren’t any true sports teams on campus and how you wish you could find season tickets to (scan his Rayon polo for any sports logos or initials)… the Wolverhampton Wanderers?
Tenderize These Thighs
Everyone knows and loves the grill DILF. Sturdy, gruff, and always a little sweaty, this DILF’s love language is acts of service, particularly of the cookout variety. Plus, he looks great in an apron. To sniff out your own well-done smoke show, shadow any group of Midwestern freshmen and parents. When they approach the nearest dining hall, loudly sigh and say, “The barbecue here is always under-glazed and dry. I wish I knew how to grill to enjoy some real prime ribs.” This approach works especially well if the DILF in question is wearing wrap-around holographic sunglasses atop his “Freedom Forever” baseball cap.
A Truth Thirstily Acknowledged
No one mansplains as elegantly as the Intellectual DILF. He’s the youngest tenured professor and the only man since 2001 to pull off a goatee (rest in peace, Smash Mouth). Like Mr. Darcy, this DILF expresses his love through sexually charged banter, brooding stares, and property ownership. He might have his ex-wife locked in the attic of his Georgian revival townhouse, but his vintage record collection and fully-stocked bar cart more than makeup for the noise. To star in your personal dark-academia period drama, pull your hair into an effortless messy bun, dig out your glasses, and put on any classic rock band shirt. Wander up the Main Green, burrowed in a Clive Cussler novel, until you bump into him. When he picks your glasses off the ground and meets your eyes, tell him you’ve never watched the original Star Wars Trilogy. Enjoy the ensuing coffee date– you’ll pay for both drinks.
Nice to Meet You, Too, Mr. Rebecca’s Dad
Ah, the original star-crossed lovers: you and your roommate’s twice-divorced father. Your prince arrives in a silver Toyota Corolla and always showers you with gifts: Swiffer wet pads, warm Pepsi, five-dollar bills. Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thy bald head shines more brightly. His arms sweep you into the best piggybacks, and no one else is quite as dashing in a chunky sweater. Mr. Peterson might be the ultimate DILF, but your union must remain a fantasy as long as he calls your roommate his “little girl.” Oh well, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Armed with this knowledge, enjoy the weekend festivities and woo the Babbo, PopPop, or Père of your Wattpad browser history.
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