This isn’t an intervention, per se. We are gathered here today because we love you and we care about you. It just seems like it might be time for a change.
First, I want you to know that we recognize that the VDub has really improved in the past few years. It’s understandable, truly, that you would want to spend time there. We hear you.
And everybody goes there now! I mean you have to give it up for the VDubble, it always draws a crowd.
There’s really nothing wrong with the VDub! But the reason we’re worried is that you’re always there. And…well…you’re always alone.
This is what I’ve been told at least. I overheard from a group of sophomores in line for the action station that they’ve seen you come in four separate times in the same day – breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert. The group was wearing outfits so vintage and so stylish I almost mistook them for RISD students, so I immediately believed what they had to say.
The sophomores said that you always sit in the same place – the long table by the silverware? Sound familiar? They even said that sometimes, when “Your Seat” is taken, they’ve seen you pouting in the weird chair where the fan blows really strongly in the back, with nothing but a red velvet cupcake on your plate.
At first we didn’t believe the rumors. I mean you? Eating alone in the VDub?? But then we did a little bit of research.
The dining hall staff confessed that they all know your name and they all recognize the sound of your footsteps. They’re REALLY worried that you have no friends or regular bowel movements. They’re astonished that you have enough meal swipes to go this frequently. They’ve even started to theorize that you have to forage in Lincoln Woods on the weekends because the VDub salad bar isn’t open and you need your lettuce fix. Once, one of them even saw you frantically digging in the community garden for mushrooms.
Is that how you’re able to swing it?
There’s even been whisperings that you brought your own toolbox to try to fix the ice cream machine. We see you, and in many ways you’re a hero, but also you really don’t have to do that.
We simply must put an end to this. It’s okay to be a Verney-Woolley lover. I feel you. I sympathize with you. I know this is your truth … but it really shouldn’t be.
Have you considered trying the Ivy Room? They have waffles sometimes, when you’re lucky, and nobody will judge you for taking a little smoothie study break there! You could even give the Ratty a try. It can be scary at first, but give it a chance. The pasta isn’t as good, but I heard from my friend’s boyfriend’s roommate’s TA that they just made it better. They even have a secret back section where it’s cozy and dark and okay to sit alone.
So yes, you should feel bad about eating at the VDub alone, but it’s never too late to change.