“Honestly my favorite child. The only good one. She’s never stolen from a dining hall or drank a lick of alcohol. Yay for innocent daughters!” –my dad
“Maybe would benefit from some help. Never had enough hugs as a child.” –any therapist
“Could use some weed. Or Molly. Or any mind-altering substance.”–my sister
“Probably could’ve picked out a better outfit. Cute daughter, I mean I did a good job, but could really use a tan.” –my mom
“The best thing that has ever happened to me. She is my star and I am her sky. I never want to lose her. She makes me a better person just knowing her. Honestly, I would rather eat gloop for the rest of my life than be without her.” –my dog
“Sometimes really happy, sometimes basic, sometimes mildly depressed, and sometimes borderline horny??” –my Spotify playlists
“The reason why I have abandonment issues.” –the gym
“Needs improvement.” –my mirror
“Ignores me.” –my textbooks
“Always comes back begging for more.” –coffee
“Doesn’t ever leave me alone. Maybe a little desperate.” –my room
“Cheap.” –Brown University Financial Aid Office
“So cheap.” –my bank account transactions
“Who?” –Brown University Admissions Office