With cuffing season on the horizon and the imminent decoupling of every one of your friends pumping sweat and libido into the air, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and… overwhelmed. But don’t worry, I have a hot new option for young women seeking vengeance on the men in their lives: make more unsafe spaces. While men oft opt to take English classes and niche psychedelics to “better understand the opposite sex,” women’s exposure to the opposite sex sits in Wellness on Wednesdays in the form of BTEAM meetings (pizza provided!). Turns out that when your back is aching from the oppressive forces of the patriarchy, going “What are you? Gay?” at male vulnerability alleviates that burden.
BTEAM’s (short for Brown Transforming, Exploring, and Affirming Masculinities) accessibility makes it the optimal place to share grievances with the patriarchy in the form of quotes from Andrea Dworkin’s seminal novel Women Hating. Things like: “Men talk over me,” “My ex was afraid of my vagina so sometimes he would just scream into it,” and “Being female in this world means having been robbed of the potential for human choice by men who love to hate us. Men too make choices. When will they choose not to despise us?” While some might argue that you’re “being disrespectful” and that “you have to stop saying that a mozzarella stick is a phallic object,” I would argue 99% of perpetrators of sexual violence are male—so maybe you should perpetrate these fuckin nuts.
Even though it’s getting colder, diminishing the masculinities of alleged heterosexual men has never been hotter. Now go out there and smash the beautiful glass ceiling that is Wellness!