As a native swamp dweller (Floridian) I’ve spent my entire life far more preoccupied by my pit stains than I have been worrying about slipping and sliding on icy sidewalks. Coming here, I was completely prepared for the inevitability of falling straight on my ass. I am clumsy, as many close friends and strangers alike can attest to, and thus, have accepted my fate.
Yet every day spent not falling, every day spent carefully averting more hazardous patches of ground and finding my balance, I got cockier and cockier about my abilities. I felt on top of the world.
And then it happened. The sun was shining brightly, so I can’t use darkness as an excuse, and right in front of the Episcopal Church, I wiped out on a patch of ice in front of a crowd of bustling students, professors, and God himself.
I panicked. How does one gracefully recover from wiping out on the ice in broad daylight? I regret to say that I simply picked myself off and scurried (limped) off to class, my face burning with shame.
After serious brainstorming, here are surefire ways to recover from a bad wipeout while still retaining one’s dignity.
1. Pretend it was totally on purpose:
This idea was suggested to me by another Rib writer’s friend’s anecdote (did I get that right?). Apparently after her wipeout, she jumped up and proclaimed to anyone who would listen, “Patch of ice right there! It’s a real doozy! Just a warning! No need to thank me! This has been a public service announcement!” If completed with a little bow and a jaunty saunter away, you’ve avoided embarrassment while playing the role of the lovable martyr!
I could never use this method. It takes a special kind of character to play things cool as a cucumber.
2. Do that cool twirly ice skater thing:
This is a chance to show your peers you have the beauty and grace of an Olympic figure skater. I’m not sure what the proper term for this move is, but it looks really cool. When you find yourself sliding against icy terrain outside the SciLi, immediately let gravity help you transition into this super badass move. People will be raving about your poise and skill rather than how badly you almost face planted.
3. Act our your favorite Disney movie:
This one may be a little more difficult since it requires at least one other person. If you have two left feet like me, this is the decision for you. But you have to act fast. For approximately .75 seconds after you’ve crashed and burned, scour the premises for someone you deem as attractive enough to be royalty. Bonus points if they are atop of a magnificent stallion.
Here is an image for reference.
(If only, am I right?)
If you happen to spy a person like this, you’re in luck! In all the movies, the damsel in distress is always rescued by a chivalrous knight in shining armor. All you have to do is look coquettishly helpless and they’ll clop on over and swoop you to safety.
4. If you’re a mute/not Michelle Kwan/nobody in the general vicinity looks remotely like Chris Pine:
Not much you can do at this point except drop out of college and become a hermit.
