It’s the million dollar or $39.99 box of rogaine question that’s on everyone’s mind.
Will you go bald?
The answer to that question lies in another question: Can you grow a beard?
To clarify we’re not talking the purposeful kind of bald where you decide to throw in the towel and shear it all off because you don’t feel like squeezing your melon into a swim cap anymore—we’re talking about the kind of bald that’s thrust upon your doorstep like an orphan in the night.
My father has this theory (that I have adopted) that the human body only has the potential to grow so much hair, and that the majority of that hair manifests itself in one of two locations: the top of the head or the chinny chin chin. It has always seemed that men that can grow a beard go bald earlier, and men that cannot grow a beard keep their hair later in life.
Now before you say this theory is one crackpot to the left of denying the moon landing, at least allow me to back it up with a few examples…
Exhibit A: Steve Jobs
Co-founder of Apple (and your uncle that’s really into woodcarving) Steve Jobs could grow a beard like he could grow a company. Get a load of that hairline though–receding into nothingness like the asshole it belonged to.
Exhibit B: Daniel Radcliffe
Child star (and the only boy that will dance with you at your Bat Mitzvah) Daniel Radcliffe has a decidedly weak beard game. But look at that mane! He’s not going bald any time soon.
Exhibit C: Wills
The Duke of Cambridge (and that older sibling your parents wish you could be more like) Prince William, may be sad to have lost so much hair at the tender age of thirty-four—but don’t worry! He has his sweet beard-growing prowess to ease the pain. And a lot of money.
Exhibit D: James Franco
Actor (and resident of his mother’s basement waiting for his unwritten novel to take off) James Franco may have some luscious locks– but his beard’s got more patches than the boy scout that’s selling you popcorn.
Exhibit E: Jamie from Mythbusters
Daytime TV legend (and local barbecue dad who didn’t even notice his own hand frying on the griddle) Jamie Hyneman doesn’t play games when it comes to choosing hats, busting myths, or growing a mean beard. Look this man in the eyes and say that going bald is emasculating.
As stated in my hypothesis, there appears to be an inverse relationship between the amount of hair a man can grow from his head and the amount of hair he can grow from his face. Although you could draw the conclusion that I have cherry-picked these facts and images, the data from this potentially flawed experiment has shown that my hypothesis is correct. The five photographs and backbone of spaghetti that this research rests on proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a real scientist with the eight-step method and independent variables and a lab coat and everything.
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