Will The Real Lorne Michaels Please Stand Up?

Over spring break, I happened to casually coincidentally walk past 30 Rock at 1:20 AM on a Saturday night, right as SNL was letting out. It was my last night in the city and I was a teeeeeny tiny bit tipsy, so I figured I should go hang ‘round the building and see what would happen. Initially, I was just going to walk the perimeter and call it a night, but when I approached one of the doors, I came across a group of people just standing around and waiting. If you know me, you’ll know I’m always up for a good stand around and wait, so I joined them, forgoing any and all clarifying questions. Whatever they were waiting for, I was ready.

We stood there for a few minutes and nothing happened, but then suddenly –

BAM!

A cab crashed into one of the cars parked by the sidewalk.

It was stressful for approx. 21 seconds before we stopped caring and went back to the more exciting aforementioned standing and waiting. Then the security guys got all whispery with each other and I overheard one of them say, “He’s coming down.”

?????????????

Who’s coming down?!

Is it babyfaced newbie Jon Rudnitsky?!

Is it Weekend Update goon Colin Jost*?!

Is it A+ facial-expression-haver Kenan Thompson?!

The ghost of Don Pardo?!?

Moses coming down from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments??

God itself descending from the heavens, here to reveal that the truth about pistachios is that they were never meant for human consumption????????????

No.

Better.

Lorne (Motherfuckin’) Michaels walked out of that building like it was no big deal. And when he walked past me, I felt a strange sensation wash over me. Like the feeling of when you have a popcorn kernel lodged in your throat and it finally goes down crossed with the feeling of hugging an old stuffed animal crossed with the feeling of admiring your flawless self in the mirror. It was a moment of revelation, a moment of purity and truth.

Guys.

Guys.

I think I’m Lorne Michaels.

I think we’re the same person.

And the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Here’s why:

1. We have similar names. Lorne? Leeron? Enroll? Oreo L.N? All the same. No difference there whatsoever.
2. We’re both very short. I am 5’2”. I can’t say for sure how tall Lorne is, but he seems to be around 5’4”? Which, yeah, is maybe a little taller than me, but still super short!! We’re both short! We’re the same, is what I’m saying.
3. We both have an eye for talent. Tina Fey? Talented. Fred Armisen? Talented. Jane Curtin? Talented. Chris Rock? Talented. Adam Sandler was a bit of a misstep, but he got fired, so it’s all good.
4. We’re both terrifying af. I’ve had friends tell me they were scared of me when they first met me. I’ve had friends tell me they were still scared of me, several years into our friendship. I scare myself sometimes. And Lorne Michaels, well, he’s the most intimidating bastard this side of Frank Underwood.
5. We’re both cat people. I don’t know this for a fact, but he gives off that vibe, right? Right.
6. Neither of us is a tractor. This one’s pretty self explanatory.

So there you have it. My true identity, revealed. I don’t know what I’ll do with this newfound power and glory yet, but I’m sure I’ll think of something. Maybe I’ll consult with Melissa McCarthy, see if she has any advice. Do you think I have her number now? I probably have her number now. This is so cool. I love being Lorne Michaels.

* Or Michael Che. Who cares. Doesn’t matter. It was neither.

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