Dear Blueno? Yeah, more like Dead Blueno. Who’s laughing now, Brown? Remember us? No? OK, rude. We were the couple having loud, slap-happy shower sex in the Caswell bathroom last year. Now do we ring a bell?
You all wrote post after post complaining and preaching and chastising. You’d think to leave the moaning to us, but nooooo; you keyboard warriors went to town, cramping our style like a charley horse during missionary.
We weren’t going to dignify your taunts with a response. We even thought about moving our philandering elsewhere, like a common room couch or a sink. However, the last straw was when we saw a post criticising our SPM. For shame! We turned our focus from getting raw dogged to the drawing board – revenge is a dish best served hot and heavy.
First, we had to blow the whistle on Facebook. Yeah, that was us. ‘Frances Haugen’ backwards is ‘Neguah Secnarf’ – the exact sound we yell during our lovemaking. If you’d been paying attention instead of bitching online, you’d have caught that!! Idiots.
Next, all we had to do was prove Facebook (sorry, Meta) had intentionally spread misinformation to its users. That was easy enough – we cross-referenced the posts you wrote with a vivid re-enactment of what actually went down in front of Congress, and hey presto… Mitch McConnell came closer to action than ever before, and we were able to convict Facebook in court. What a result! Never again will the Brown community ostracise its own.
So, Brown, we set you free! Take to the showers! Get steamy! Dear Blueno is Dead Blueno! Scream it to the heavens! Long live love!