Another day, another ragged male celebrity is found to have been cheating on their significant other. The internet explodes, the memes come piling in, and it is the number one most trending topic on Twitter for quite a few days. This is a constant in our news cycle– Adam Levine, Ned from the Try Guys, and whichever unfortunate fool we choose to debase on the internet next– and for whatever reason, we stay entertained. We stay surprised that mediocre men have the audacity to cheat on beautiful women when we’ve known that they do.
I, for one, have much bigger things to worry about than men being classically shitty. I have been plagued by an issue that has lasted since the dawn of time (that is, when I first stepped foot on this dastardly campus). It is a universal dilemma, and one that not enough time, energy, and resources have been expended trying to solve. That’s right. I’m talking about mattress toppers.
There is nothing more conniving than a twin XL mattress topper, and nothing a college student needs more on their brick of a bed. But those slippery slabs of cotton and memory foam want absolutely nothing more than to slide halfway off of your mattress every single solitary night with no remorse or care for your feelings. And yea, you can try to push it back and realign your topper in the morning, but it’s no use. The topper is topping. And you are a sad, submissive little bottom.
And trust me, I’ve tried absolutely everything to ameliorate my mattress topper woes. I’ve taped her down to the mattress (industrial strength tape). I invested in mattress suspenders. I’ve tried said mattress suspenders in all sorts of arrangements (not like that, weirdo.) I’ve sold my soul to Brown (the corporation). None of these have fixed my issue, and my mattress topper has remained perpetually half slid off my bed for over four semesters now. This is my Achilles heel, and one of the most daunting issues in my life.
I know that this is an unspoken issue we are all feeling deep within our souls, each time we enter our sad dorm room and see our sad mattress topper sadly careening over the sad side of the bed. So why, I ask, do we invest so much time talking about men cheating on their wives when all this time, mental energy, and collaborative effort could be spent trying to figure out how to keep the mattress topper from sliding off of our dorm beds?
Who Cares that Another Male Celebrity Cheated? My Mattress Topper Won’t Stay On.
