by Crystal Kim
I’m a major homebody. Phew! The cat’s out of the bag. I speak of being a homebody as if it is a serious condition. Dare I call it a malady?? Are you a homebody too? Then this might ring a bell: It is Friday mid-afternoon and you and your squad are making plans for the night out. As your group comes to a chorus of agreement on plans for the night, you casually drop the excuse, “Sorry kiddos, I’m going to stay in. You know me, such a homebody! Y’all have a fun one though.” You might even say it with enough conviction to make it sound like a legitimate excuse, akin to having a sweltering fever or a take-home midterm that is due within the next four hours.
I’ve gotten a lot of shade for being a homebody in the past. To the point where not going out means I’m so not relevant anymore. But what’s in a name? What does it even mean to be a homebody?
This is the definition that the trusty Oxford English Dictionary provides: “A person who prefers staying at home to going out or travelling. Also in extended use of an animal.”
Honestly, I take being called an “animal” as a compliment, as long as if it’s the kind of animal that Adam Levine is talking about.
The OED is so kind as to offer examples of when “homebody” has been used in the Western cannon.
Example 1:
“1821 J.F. Cooper Spy I. xi. 175 Marry him I don’t think I will – unless he becomes steadier and more of a homebody.”
Thank you J.F. Cooper for speaking truth. Homebodies are ideal life partners.
Example 2:
“1886 Peterson’s Mag. Jan. 74/2 She has been a home-body ever since I can remember, and never seems to have visitors.”
This “she” is an exception. Homebodies have visitors over constantly. Fuck you Peterson’s Mag, who even are you??
Example 3:
“1959 News Chron. 12 Aug. 6/8 She liked to be a homebody and…lie with her head on her master’s foot.”
Yes, you guessed right. Homebodies give great foot massages.
Okay Oxford English Dictionary, we get it: Homebodies aren’t the most adventurous. But there is another definition of homebody that you are leaving out entirely. A homebody is also a body that can’t exist without a home. I don’t mean in the ethical sense of everyone should have a roof over their head, I mean a body that feels like it literally needs everything a privileged American home provides 24/7.
For example, I am a constant snacker. So when I leave the house to study at a library for more than two hours, mass quantities of Tupperware will be brought along. I’m also someone who believes very strongly in horoscopes, and I’m proud to say that I’m a Cancer. As a water sign, I have a constant fear that I will shrivel up and die like Spongebob in Sandy’s home without a water tank if I don’t carry a water bottle around with me at all times. Therefore my large consumption of liquids means a few more trips to the bathroom than the average Joe. So walks back and forth through the main lobby of the Rock become stressful after awhile. Don’t even try to argue that the main lobby of the Rock isn’t a fashion runway. Some strut, some don’t, it’s a choice. Whatever the choice, be bold and commit.
I am also a very vain person who likes to stare dead straight into a mirror every half hour and reenact John Travolta’s Pulp Fiction monologue, Rocky’s victory dance, and much more I choose to not disclose out of sheer embarrassment. I also like to dance in front of large mirrors. My home provides all this. I simply cannot exist without all the wonderful amenities of my home. Leaving for more than four hours will have me in tatters. So why the hell would I ever want to leave? No, being a homebody does not mean I’m a coach potato. But why go out and spend money on booze and getting sweaty when you can save money by making pecan pies in your kitchen with friends, getting drunk, and falling asleep on your own couch? No Uber needed and no regrets.
I realize now I’m super high-maintenance. But let’s be real. Wine in your bed with Netflix is the most underrated thing you could do this Friday night. Homebody or not, you can relate.
