Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks for all the food my family consumes over the five-day break. So of course this family reunion called for a visit to our favorite Chinese restaurant. It wouldn’t be a Greenberg Thanksgiving break without our Peking duck fix.
Upon finishing our meal, we received complimentary fortune cookies with the check. At our table, it is tradition to read each of our fortunes aloud and see who got the best one. I came to the conclusion: none of us really lucked out. After hearing the cheesy and cliché fortunes, I realized they might all have deeper meanings: our fortunes were trying to break the truth to us. I guess they assume they can be passive-aggressive due to the fact that a perfectly sweet vanilla cookie surrounds them. Well played fortune cookie manufacturers, well played. Here’s my fortune cookie interpretations:
Fortune: A new romance is on its way.
What they’re actually saying: If you are in a current relationship, you’re getting dumped. We’re just warning you. And by “new romance”, we mean a new romance with another TV series on Netflix. But hey! If a new romance is on its way, you must have finally got your shit together and went to the gym. Your new body finally has provided you with options in the battlefield that is love.
Fortune: Where there is a will, there is a way.
What they’re actually saying: Stop complaining about anything/everything. Get off your ass. If you want something badly enough, just do it. Seriously. Shut up.
Fortune: A ship in harbor is safe, but that’s not why ships are built.
What they’re actually saying: We’re trying to make some witty metaphor about how you need to take more risks in your life. We doubt your abilities to absorb this piece of advice, so by putting it into this really obvious statement, maybe you’ll finally take a hint… you dumbass.
Fortune: A possibility of a career change is in the future.
What they’re actually saying: If you have a job, you’re getting fired. But in order to ease some of the pain, you have the possibility of finding a new job. But there is a high chance you’re going to be out of work for a while. We’re just trying to give you some hope.
Whatever fortune you end up getting, just know you’re luckier than the person who got “No fortune. Pick again.” I have to say, that fortune cookie is just being a dick. Just cross your fingers that your after-dinner treat isn’t telling you that you should make some changes in your life.
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