It’s finals season, which means that pulling late nights isn’t uncommon. It’s also not uncommon during this undeniably trying period to have weird stress dreams. I mean it technically is possible that you really did see two football players circling around each other on the BioMed terrace at 3 AM as 20 others look on and then when you walk past everyone just stops what they’re doing and stares at you.
Considering winter (and thus the season of whimsy) is upon us, here are 9 helpful tips for differentiating the real from the just plain whimsical:
- Attempt to See Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS)
Subsequently, be told they’re not taking new patients and to wait until the new semester. And when you do try to tell them about the Football Fight Club, they refer you to a psychologist in Providence who doesn’t take your insurance.
- Tell Your Friends
They will laugh at you and then ask if you’re sure you weren’t dreaming. You will tell them that you’ve already been to CAPS, who wouldn’t see you, to which your friends will say “hey, why are you getting so worked up about this?” And then, when you really start insisting on your vision, they’ll reluctantly shrug and go “whatever dude, what are you gonna do about it?”
- Revisit the Scene of the Crime
Go back to BioMed at 3 AM a week later; notice the distinct lack of scooters and testosterone-addled 20-somethings mad at society. Maybe you are crazy? Maybe you should see that psychologist and pay out of pocket. When is your final again?—whatever, it’s reading period, finals can wait. Consider the possibility that it was a one-off thing, or perhaps, even if it wasn’t a dream, something more ephemeral…
- Consider the Paranormal
Google: Dead Brown Football Players. Reconsider the wording of the search to sound less racial. Google: Dead Brown University Football Players. Use Brown Connect+ and filter by “deceased” and “football.” Learn about Fritz Pollard and other “inspiring alumni.” Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
- Regret telling your friends
Those skanks! You forgot one of your friends was an athlete, they probably told the football players about you! Of course, the fight club isn’t there anymore, they wouldn’t want to risk finding out. They’ve probably moved their violent expression of homoeroticism to a place where all the repressed homosexuals go: the Underground. That’s why there are so many health violations! Aha! But now everyone thinks you’re crazy…and it’s all your friend’s fault! If only you had kept to yourself.
- Drink Water!
- Fear Football
Pass the football players in the Ratty. You make eye contact with them, but you’re not sure if they look at you with recognition from that night or if they’re weirded out by prolonged eye contact from a NARP. It’s hard to differentiate the look for “Don’t you dare tell anyone about what you saw” from “I know you’ve never seen the inside of the Zucconi Strength & Conditioning Center”
- Attempt to See CAPS (but this time call ahead)
You’ve started seeing things, clusters of scooters in the night pique your curiosity. The phone rings but no one picks up…interesting. Maybe it’s because it’s midnight, or maybe they’re avoiding you.
- Tell the Rib
Tell your 17 lesbian-presenting friends as an attempt to disguise the entire experience as an elaborate joke to hopefully ground yourself. See if they think it’s funny. Things have gotten out of hand, and you have problem sets and essays to do, but maybe, just maybe, someone will have shared in what you saw that night…