Back in 1991 when they invented the Internet (whoever “they” is), they claimed it was going to change the world, provide us with knowledge at a snap of our fingers, and grant the user infinite tools, connections, and gateways to the world at large. It was going to expand to the point where it could answer any question, fulfill any desire. Perhaps it was going to read minds, or be a mind of itself. The possibilities were endless.
Today, in 2014, the Internet has grown to an astonishing size, now housing over one billion websites. Any question you have, the Internet has an answer. But what about the question, the question central to modern life as we know it?
What do women want?
Being a woman, and therefore completely clueless as to the nature of my own desires, I turned to the Internet, curious to see if it could reveal the mysteries of my murky and complicated mind. Turns out, it could.
Here are a few things that the Internet claims that I, and women as a whole, really want:
- Commitment
Aw, come on, you guys already knew this one! As a woman – and a young, fertile one, at that – I am in desperate need of a mate! After all, “Having but one uterus to fill with one fetus at a time, a woman gains no obvious evolutionary advantage from promiscuity.” Well said, Psychology Today! And on that note,
- A Baby
We are simply desperate to get to baby-makin’! Just the other day, Facebook advertised a site on which I could make a “virtual baby,” just in case my aforementioned lack of a mate was seriously getting in the way of any biological productivity I was hoping to accomplish. We get bombarded with advertisements for diapers, cleaning products (to wipe up all that baby poop), and all things “parenting.” That is, after all, what we were built to do! Oh, I’m sorry, is that my career calling? Can’t talk now! I’m too busy washing the bedsheets that my kid peed on!
- Tampons
YO! Where in the fuck can a girl get those tampons that make you want to dance and play tennis and rock climb and shit? Sign me up for THAT kind of menstrual cycle!
- “Spring Break 2015!”
Spring break forever!!!!! I am so young and so wild and all I want to do is party ‘til my pants fall off!!! We’re talking pictures in my bikini, drinks on the beach, live music, staying up until 3am, and spending some good ol’ time with my ladies. Also, I totally have the money to pay for a vacation, and my body doesn’t make me weep when I see it in the mirror! Sign me up, Internet!
- Money
Specifically, we want it from you. And when I say “you”, I mean our boyfriends/husbands/fathers. We want you to pay for our dinner, as etiquette (somehow) dictates, and take the lead on financial matters. I don’t have a job, as previously stated, so you’re going to need to take care of me. And I reeeeeeally want to go on spring break this year. Please?
- A Sexy Man
Or, as AskMen.com, the expert on all matters female, dictates, “It wouldn’t hurt to at least try to minimize the degree to which you remind them of a monkey.” Huh, well, the Internet is actually right here. Moving on.
- To Lose Weight “FAST!!”
Like I said, spring break is coming up, and I’ve already started my diet of strictly celery. I am completely susceptible to those advertisements that claim a “miracle pill” can make me lose “10 pounds in two weeks!” Thanks for showing me a picture of an impossibly thin and muscular woman, who I will never look like. I need a healthy dose of self-loathing to continue on only eating plants and occasionally inhaling air.
Side note: Women do NOT want you to keep reminding them just how many calories are in a bagel. I get it, okay? I like bagels. Leave me alone.
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