Dear reader, are you sitting down? Good, because everything you know is a lie. Apparently, there. Is. A. Thirteenth. Zodiac. Sign.
I’m sure you are filled with questions, as I was upon first learning this a few days ago. Questions like, Will this change the way I’ve thought about my identity as a Pisces for the last twenty years? No? Just me? Okay. Well, even if astrology is not as important to you as it is to me (very important) and even if you don’t have questions about this ~revelation~, I have answers.
First, some quick facts:
- This new sign is called Ophiuchus.
- It falls between Scorpio and Sagittarius.
- The sign is based on the constellation of the same name, which is Greek for “serpent-bearer” and is depicted in illustrations as “a man grasping the snake.”[1]
So where did this new sign even come from? Apparently, according to science, the Earth tilts and shifts and stuff, and stars and poles get realigned, and constellations in certain positions change due to “Earth’s ‘wobble.’”[2]
But enough science. Let’s talk about more important things: how does this affect you? For some of you, nothing will change. Isn’t it comforting to know that you can continue to rely on the zodiac as the one constant in your life? But for others, everything has changed. This new zodiac sign means that the dates of many other signs have shifted. The transition from your old sign to your new one might be a smooth one, but alternately it might be, well… bumpy, to say the least. Let’s look at some examples:
If you were born between May 21st and June 20th, you used to be a Gemini. Ahh, the twins. You, sweet Gemini, used to be loyal, talented, and committed to the passionate search for your soulmate. Not anymore. Now, thanks to Ophiuchus fucking everything up, you’re a Taurus. Now you’re cool as a cucumber. You’re so cool, some might dare to call you “detached.” Good luck finding your soulmate now, poor, detached Taurus.
If you were born between August 23rd and September 22nd, you were a Virgo. You were creative, considerate, and ethical. Say goodbye to your identity! Now you’re a Leo, but you won’t have to change your entire world view too much. Leos are very loving. Also, very stylish.
If you were born between November 22nd and December 17th, you were a Sagittarius. You now fall under THE NEW SIGN. WOW. You’re an Ophiuchus. The sign is derived from Sagittarius and Scorpio, so it’s actually got pretty similar traits. Now you’re not so into authority (which is okay, because you weren’t before), and you’re wise and just lookin’ for some knowledge. My mother, who used to be a Sagittarius, is now an Ophiuchus. She had this to say about the switch: “This changes my whole world outlook.”
If you were born between December 22nd and January 19th, you were a Capricorn. Now you’re a Sagittarius! Boy are you in for a rough transition. You, dear former Capricorn, used to be so reliable, so cautious. Now you must forget all of that. Learn how to be free-spirited and spontaneous like a true Sag. Basically you will have to embrace every character trait that is the exact opposite of your current character traits. Sounds doable.
Getting comfortable with your new identity may be hard at first, but when in doubt, look to the stars for guidance.
Update: My editors have just informed me that this whole Ophiuchus thing is a “hoax.” Apparently it was all a ploy by NASA, who “discovered” the new sign, in an attempt to discredit Western Astrology. Damn, NASA. Just some classic astrology-astronomy conflict. Sounds like NASA is feeling a little bit insecure about the size of their rocket ship. Anyway, I guess this is good news for everyone! You don’t have to drop everything and question your identity …Or at least not your astrological identity.
[1] Who says you can’t cite Wikepedia anymore? It’s very informational and great for finding neat phrases like “man grasping the snake.”
[2] Thanks to this fun blog for the technical term “wobble.”
General astrological knowledge thanks to this wonderful website. And information about Ophiuchus thanks to this wonderful website.
