Guys, you may think you understand women, but you don’t. Don’t fool yourself. The truth is, you really have no idea. We’re complicated, cryptic creatures. Ask us what we’re thinking and we’ll probably give you a convoluted answer (do you really not know why we’re upset with you?). But here I am, your guide through the maze that is a woman’s mind, your map to navigate each of its complicated paths, your key to unlock the answer to the eternal question… What is she really thinking?
On a first date:
You are in a café, sitting beneath romantic lighting, sipping on earl grey tea. She holds her hand over yours, lightly, and laughs at what you have said about the Hemingway novel you’re working your way through.
You’re thinking: I am coming off like a smooth intellectual.
She’s thinking: Wow, this guy is a prize douche. Hemingway, really? Next you’re going to tell me you enjoy reading Gertrude Stein. And then you’re going to tell me about the boar you slayed last weekend. Have fun reading about the same female character in every single Hemingway book. I need a real drink and some chocolate, please.
In the shower:
You’re getting pretty serious with a girl you met a little while ago, so you stayed at her place last night. Now you’re still in her room and she’s in the shower. She said she would only be five minutes.
You’re thinking: Okay, this should only take a few minutes. I’ll just relax here until she’s ready to go to breakfast.
She’s thinking: Okay, this should only take 30 minutes. I’ve got to get the glitter off my face from last night and… oh, no, I have to shave my legs. Make that 35 minutes. If I’m in here too long he’ll think I’m doing something weird or, like, crying or something, so I’ll make it quick. Then I just have to towel off, brush my hair, and get dressed in this tiny bathroom so he doesn’t have to see the weird mole on my butt. Why is it so hard to shave my legs in this shower???
In class:
You’re interested in a girl in your econ class. She sits in the row in front of you and you’re usually there before she is, so you usually smile at her as she walks in and takes a seat. This morning, she doesn’t smile back.
You’re thinking: She looks so worried. She’s probably really busy with work this week.
She’s thinking: STOP SMILING AT ME. IT IS 9:00 AM. NO ONE IS EVER HAPPY TO BE IN A 9:00 AM ECON CLASS. WHO ARE YOU??
In the library:
A girl asked you on a study date, so you meet up in an enclosed room at the library. The two of you have been there for ten minutes and she’s already silently staring at her computer screen, looking serious. You know she studies computer science so she’s probably working on an assignment for that class.
You’re thinking: She’s such a hard worker. She’s probably really smart, too.
She’s thinking: How dare you, Buzzfeed! When I took your “Which Gossip Girl Character Are You?” quiz I fully expected you to tell me that I was Chuck Bass, not Nate Archibald. Wait, crap, I really need to do this coding. What does this guy study again? Archeology? Architecture? I don’t know. All the humanities are the same to me. Maybe I should ask him what he’s doing. Oh god, I have so much work to do. Why did I ask him to come with me to do this? Should I strike up a conversation? He looks really engrossed in his reading. Maybe I’ll ask him about it. Is that annoying? Ugh, I am a ball of stress and my sock bun doesn’t even look good today. I thought going on a study date would be “so college” but now I’m just hungry. Let’s leave and get food.
So, guys, what’s is the take-away lesson from this? Well, first off – and this is completely honest – women are probably thinking the same things you’re thinking. They’re thinking about food, butts, homework, and a whole lot more. Another thing to note is that I’m just one woman, and I can’t speak for women as a whole. We make up 50% of the population so we’re really quite different from each other. Crazy thought, I know. Really, this article should be called “What I’m Really Thinking” but, hey, no one would read that. The biggest lesson you should get from this, then: If you want to know a woman is thinking… Just ask her (and brace yourself for the answer).
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