***Welcome to the X-Files, the Rib’s own ~loOooOve~ advice column. If you’d like Xtina to use her hefty wealth of knowledge to answer your real question, send it on over to theribofbrown@gmail.com. ***
9/25/2015
Dear Xtina,
I’m in love with my professor but I don’t know what to do. Should I show up to his office hours and seduce him? Or pine at him from afar? Help!!!!!
Sincerely,
Studious Sally
Hi Sally,
Sally is a very beautiful name! I’m going to call you Elizabeth. Elizabeth is the name of the irresistible paleontology student Ross Geller dates for a hot sec in season 6 of Friends, and that’s just who you are in my mind right now.
So, Elizabeth. First off I’d like to thank you for reaching out to Xtina! You have arrived at the five-exclamation-point level, and therefore are clearly in need of help. Please be comforted by the fact that professor-love is a très common thing on a college campus; well-developed chalkboard-writing skills are a huge turn-on for lots of people.
Professor-love can also be tricky, obviously, because of the likely age-gap and the power dynamic/Stanford Prison Experiment authority figure situation. But the brainstorm you have going already is really solid–“Seduce him?” “Pine from afar?” Great! Since you have plainly admitted that this is a case of l-o-v-e, and it’s clear that you have developed many feels for this man, I see no reason why you shouldn’t go for the seduction–it could be very fun if you have on hand the classic plaid skirt w/suspender set, and accompanying youthful yet sultry voice.
I would suggest testing out the waters first by sending him an email full of baby gifs. If he responds with anything as substantial as a “lol,” the plan is a go. Try your first approach outside when he’s on his way to his car, so that in the first few seconds before he recognizes you as a student, you can “plant the seed” with a flirty smile. Then go IN.
HOWEVER! Before you launch into this, there are a couple important factors you must consider!
FIRST: Is it legal, Elizabeth? I don’t care how old you are–Xtina doesn’t judge–but even if your love ends up being his drug, it is NOT worth it if it’s going to put him in jail, where there are plenty of other drugs to go around! Not worth it! Now, if your relationship is not illegal, but if discovered would merely result in the loss of this professor’s teaching position, maybe “push it to the limit” a little in the name of Corbin Bleu. YOLO.
NEXT: Is he in an exclusive relationship with someone else? This could lower your chances of seduction success, or put you in a very awkward trapped-in-closet-wearing-only-underwear-while-he-tries-to-get-wife-out-of-office situation. Do your research. Be aware, not scared (I stole this phrase from the free STD screening event at which I volunteered when I was 13).
LAST THING: Does he teach Physics or Organic Chemistry? If yes,… really? But seriously, if yes, we are very different people, and therefore I cannot see myself being of any more help to you.
NOW: If these credentials are cleared, you should be ready to rumble, romantically. Simply remember not to mention the year you were born too much in his company, and I see many beautiful, Brown-going children in your future together. And definitely an A in at least one of your classes!
OR! If any of the aforementioned conditions have landed you back at “pine from afar,” here are some tips for dealing with your drool:
Don’t go to class.
Go to class, but don’t listen to your professor.
Listen to your professor, but pretend he’s a water buffalo.
Ask out your TA instead.
Marry your TA.
Watch so much Boy Meets World that every professor you look at turns into Mr. Feeny.
Just watch a couple episodes of Boy Meets World–it’s good for the soul.
Best of luck!
XOXO,
Xtina
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Rib. Except for the water buffalo thing. That we’re fully on board with.