I don’t know about you, but I had a really good summer. Like, an incredible summer. Like, an everything-that-could’ve-gone-well-did-and-everything-that-could’ve-gone-poorly-didn’t summer. Not to brag or anything, but my summer was hella brag worthy, you guys. I was in New York City! Fully supporting myself financially! Showing up at an office most mornings like a proper human! Living with roommates and never resorting to secret toothbrush vandalism! Networking with professionally funny people and not getting any restraining orders filed against me! I cooked for myself and the microwave only caught fire once and it wasn’t even totally my fault plus it wasn’t actually on fire, there was just a lot of smoke.
I was an AdultTM this summer, friends, and I was damn good at it. Being a student? That’s a different story. Something about setting foot on Brown’s campus somehow turns me into a pathetic pile of human glitches that can hardly tell the difference between left and right, up and down, sane and completely off the rails. We’ve only been back for a couple weeks, but already I’ve managed to forget how to function. Welcome to another amazing year of:
1. It being anybody’s guess as to where my key is.
I realize it’s probably not the best idea to let the whole internet know my room is always unlocked, but the good news is, not everybody knows where I live. So we’re fine. But guys. Last year, I was constantly losing my key, but it would always turn up after a day or two, usually after I made some sort of an effort at cleaning the eternal mound of debris obscuring my floor. Everybody would always tell me, “You should get a keychain or something, so you stop losing track of your key,” but I was always like, “No, it’s fine, it’s right here,” in the hopes that my saying so would make my key magically turn up, and 95% of the time, it worked! But not this time. My key’s been gone for close to a week now, and I have no fucking clue where it is!! My baby’s left me for real this time. I’ll probably call Reslife for help if I can’t find it by Thanksgiving, but in the meantime, I urge you to keep your eyes peeled for shiny things on the floor and give them to me, please&thankyou.
2. Still not knowing how to use the stapler at the SciLi.
That thing with the staples in it in the SciLi basement next to the printers? Yeah, not a real stapler. I know it likes to think it is, with its fancy lil row of staples sitting inside of it, and its weird little paper angle adjuster thingy, but guess what. Not a real stapler. It doesn’t work! You can’t press down on the top to pop a staple out! That’s how these things usually go, isn’t it? You push down, then the staple dispenser shoots out a staple, which then gets flattened by the bottom metal staple shaper. That doesn’t happen with these staplers!! And there’s not a secret button or anything, either. Or a switch, or a lever, or a crank, or a secret incantation. The stapler at the SciLi is a Sci-lie. That’s it.
3. Procrastination being my number one skill.
Here is a fun trivia fact for you all. Did you know that when you reach a certain page of your Google search results, you have to enter a captcha? I do. I learned from experience that one time I looked up “miranda lambert”, set my search filter to results specifically from 2007, and innocently thought I could make it to page 70 without Google questioning my actions. But nope. I also have been known to procrastinate using techniques such as: admiring myself in the mirror for a solid hour and a half, researching CS course loads and admissions requirements for Israeli universities, and watching this video on an endless loop.
4. Questioning everything, doubting myself, third-wheeling, feeling inferior, taking anxiety naps, and having existential crises on the reg.
But then again…. who isn’t?
Image via.