Ahhh, November. Crisp air, vibrant leaves in hues of gold and red, gourds and turkeys and frost on the browning tips of grass. The whole month of November is like taking a deep breath of fresh, cool air. Unless you’re a senior in high school and applying to college, in which case November is like taking many breaths in and out of a paper bag because you’re trying not to hyperventilate. That’s right, November means ~early decision deadlines~. The first one was just last week!
There are a lot of reasons why applying to college is hard and stressful. You’ve got to give them your grades, your test scores, letters from your teachers, your soul. And you have to do it alongside all your friends and peers, to whom you’ve been trying to avoid comparing yourself.
But one of the hardest parts is writing all the essays. The personal statement has several prompt options all vague enough to send even the most stable of scholars into madness (Tell you about myself? Like, my favorite color??). But ON TOP OF THAT, most schools ask you to write one or more supplements! Some of these are nice and open a la “Tell us something that we might not otherwise glean from your application.” After you Merriam-Webster the word “glean,” writing this is a snap. But some schools decided that they would be a little bit more *creative* with their prompts. So let’s take a look at some of these quirky q’s, shall we?
- University of Chicago: “How are apples and oranges supposed to be compared?”
They’re not, dumb-dumbs, that’s the whole point. What do you think the phrase “it’s like comparing apples and oranges” even means??? It means you don’t compare them because they’re v, v, different. One is crisp, red, and grows in an orchard, and the other is named Donald J. Trump.
- Villanova University: “What sets your heart on fire?”
I think this question is obviously a test of your common sense. Any combustive object would do here; possible good responses include matches, a blowtorch, candles, a gas-burning stove, an open hearth, and the end of a cigarette. Be creative and obscure to show them how much you know about things that are fire, as that is clearly the point of this prompt.
- Wake Forest University: “Some say social media is superficial, with no room for expressing deep or complex ideas. We challenge you to defy these skeptics by describing yourself as fully and accurately as possible in the 140-character limit of a tweet.”
First, Wake Forest University, you are clearly not following the right people if you don’t see twitter as a place for expressing deep or complex ideas. This question is a SNAP! So short! And I think 140 characters is more than enough to describe my personality TBH.
- Yale University: “You have been granted a free weekend next month. How will you spend it?”
The fuck? What is this, prison? Every weekend is free, that’s the whole point of weekends. Thanks, Yale, for being so incredibly generous as to bestow upon me one free weekend, 48 blissful hours. I will spend this time with family and friends, eating good food and enjoying life while I can, I guess. And then for the other 46 hours I will be watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix.
- Yale University: “What is something about which you have changed your mind in the last three years?”
What is something I haven’t changed my mind on in the last three years? I don’t make any decision without waffling a little bit and doing extensive Google research. I think the best way to approach this question is to focus on the mundane, and really give Yale a window into your life: “Once, two years ago, I was going to order chocolate chip cookie dough, and then at the last second, I blurted out ‘mint chocolate chip!’ and my life has never been the same.”
- Tufts University: “The ancient Romans started it when they coined the phrase “Carpe diem.” Jonathan Larson proclaimed “No day but today!” and most recently, Drake explained You Only Live Once (YOLO). Have you ever seized the day? Lived like there was no tomorrow? Or perhaps you plan to shout YOLO while jumping into something in the future. What does #YOLO mean to you?”
Ah Tufts, really asking the tough questions. What does #YOLO mean to me? #YOLO could mean ANYTHING! Man, I really wish the meaning of #YOLO was clearer and more defined. Like wouldn’t it be great if it were an acronym or something?
- University of Chicago: “’This is what history consists of. It’s the sum total of all the things they aren’t telling us.’ — Don DeLillo, Libra. Who’s they? What aren’t they telling us?”
Whattt??? Don DeLillo is a Libra??? I had him pegged as more of a Cancer honestly. [My editors have just informed me that “Libra” in the above prompt is the title of one of Don DeLillo’s novels, and not, as I had previously believed, his zodiac sign.]
- University of Richmond: “Tell us about Spiders.”
This question is a cruel trick designed to give you nightmares. NO I don’t want to write 250 words about spiders, you can Google them yourself, University of Richmond. There are only three things I know about spiders: 1) They fall into your mouth while you’re sleeping, 2) Ron Weasely is (rightfully) terrified of them, and 3) some of them are actually okay and are named Charlotte and do nice things for friends who are otherwise unremarkable and also are pigs.
- Williams College: “Imagine yourself in a tutorial at Williams. Of anyone in the world, whom would you choose to be the other student in the class, and why?”
What. The. FUCK. Is. A. Tutorial? You mean a class? Why do you need a special name for “class,” Williams? That’s almost as dumb as, oh, I don’t know, calling majors “concentrations” or something ridiculous like that.
- Texas Christian University: “Take a blank sheet of paper. Do with this page what you wish. Your only limitations are the boundaries of this page. You don’t have to submit anything, but we hope you will use your imagination.”
What do you want from me, arts and crafts? BRB gonna go get some glue and dried macaroni for my college application.
- Bennington College: “Can a toad hear? Prove it.”
I feel like Bennington College is the kind of school where even if you wrote a thoroughly researched scientific paper citing all biological evidence suggesting that toads can, in fact, hear, they would be like, “But prove it though.” Like okay, let me just go find a toad and ask him about it.
- University of Chicago: “If you could balance on a tightrope, over what landscape would you walk? (No net.)”
No net? Damn. UChicago are a bunch of badasses.
- Tufts: “What makes you happy?”
Tufts is over here trying to emotionally destroy me. What does make me happy? I… don’t… ice cream? Kittens? Michael Buble holiday albums?
- Wake Forest University: “What do you see as the biggest threat to civility?”
Idk man, he’s orange and he’s got a brittle comb-over.
