Over the summer, a friend and I were chatting fervently about his latest romantic interest–a Logan Lerman lookalike who lived about an hour’s drive away. They had been flirting incessantly over Grindr for a couple weeks before Hottie finally decided he would come visit, which meant that my friend was determined to turn their texty relationship into a sexy reality. And of course, what better way to do that than to bring him into the basement to “watch a movie”? Ever since middle school, sliding in a DVD and letting the darkened room and cramped couch do the talking has been the standard prelude to a good make-out session.
“Do you know what movie you’re gonna ‘watch’?” I asked, putting extra effort into the air quotes.
“Yeah, I’m thinking Brokeback Mountain,” he said, lifting his hand into the air for a high five. I slapped it away.
“Brokeback Mountain? Are you shitting me? Just because it’s gay doesn’t mean it’ll put him in the mood!”
He refused to listen to me. I mean, sure, he got his hookup anyway, but was it really worth being constantly interrupted by close-up shots of Jake Gyllenhaal looking upset?
So to spare the rest of you the same embarrassment, here is my definitive list of movie genres and whether they’re good, bad, or just plain ugly to “watch.”
The Rom-Com
Rating: 4/10
It may seem like the perfect choice from an objective standpoint–after all, rom-coms are a classic option for first dates at the movie theater–but you’ll regret picking the latest Ryan Gosling ab-a-palooza for your hookup. The declarations of true love and the overly steamy sex scenes might give your date the wrong idea of what you want in a relationship. Of course, you can talk to him or her about what you do want beforehand, but it’s still weird to nonchalantly make out to a wedding scene.
The exceptions: Any rom-com about friends casually hooking up and then falling in love (especially if you want to take your hookup to the next level), and any rom-com that’s so bad it’s good–because giggling is always sexy.
The Rom-Dram
Rating: -4,000,000/10
Okay, so in addition to being my least favorite genre in general, this is the ABSOLUTE WORST type of “watching a movie” movie. You might cry. You might fall asleep due to boredom before any sexy fun can happen. You might be so worried your chosen date will contract some rare disease and die that you prematurely send them packing. Just don’t do it.
The exception: Gone With The Wind. It’s so long that you and your date are practically bound to start doing something at some point.
Horror
Rating: 6/10
So long as it’s not too scary, this movie will make your date curl up into you in adorable fear, and there’s usually some unrealistically attractive couple hooking up in the woods at the beginning to set the mood. Just make sure you initiate things in real life before the token monster chops their heads off–that can put a damper on even the steamiest moments.
The exceptions: Slasher films and screamers. Too much gore is just plain gross. Also, no one likes to be interrupted mid-kiss by a surprise scare, and if you’re as jumpy as I am, your date might be less-than-happy about you accidentally punching them in the face.
Disney
Rating: 8/10
These movies are practically guaranteed to induce some warm and fuzzy memories, and with you and your date both in a good mood, a good time is bound to follow. Granted, it might be a little weird to hookup while having flashbacks to childhood, but the awesome soundtracks will definitely make up for it.
The exception: Frozen. Because your makeout will certainly be interrupted when you both pause to loudly sing along to “Let It Go.”
Superhero Action Movies
Rating: 10/10
In addition to being the best ever genre ever that exists ever, this is the perfect type of movie to seduce your lucky date. First, he or she is bound to enjoy the movie in general, and if they don’t, I can guarantee you don’t want anything to do with them. Second, unless you’re a total nerdwad like me, the movies are often not so riveting that you can’t pull your crush’s attention away for a little… and it’s easy to make that little become a lot. Third, there’s usually some romantic interest-sexual tension that’s subtle enough to not make your date think you’re coming on too strong, but obvious enough to set the mood. Finally, you can stare at Chris Hemsworth’s abs, or something similar, which will undoubtedly put you in a sexy mood.
The exception: The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Because it will ruin your life.
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