No, you didn’t read that wrong. The one, the only, the future savior of our nation, and the Spring Weekend ’15 breakout star Waka Flocka Flame has announced he is running for president in 2016. Happy belated 4/20, everyone.
It is unclear which political party he intends to run under (probably the Green party, hardy har har), as Hillary Clinton and Marco Rubio appear to be the primary candidates for the democratic and republican parties, respectively. If you ask me, Waka Flocka doesn’t need a formalized party backing him to win this election. He’s got the looks, the charisma, and the experience. “But he’s just a rapper,” you say. Well, my friend, you could not be more incorrect. Waka Flocka is a trapper. Wow. Bet you feel stupid.
In his official campaign video, which you can watch here, Mr. Flame details just a few of the platforms he is running on. First and foremost, Mr. Flame intends to legalize marijuana. This is not just a sign of progressive thinking or of the changes he’s going to bring about once he’s in office, but is also a testament to his economic savvy. The state of Colorado alone made over $76 million in tax money off of legal marijuana in just one year. Currently, the United States owes a massive amount of currency to other nations, needs new infrastructure, and requires drastic education reform. Where are we going to find the funds for that, you ask? Waka Flocka has the answer, and it’s weed. If that’s not economic understanding, I don’t know what is.
Additionally, Mr. Flame is far from what you may call a warmonger. Rather, he is an active pacifist. His current stance on going to war, or adding to our nuclear assets? “That shit depressing though.” Waka Flocka Flame is anti-bomb and anti-violence, which are both probably symptoms of how many blunts he smokes on the daily. After all, in his very own words, “the president gotta have a big fat old blunt, you know?” What else could possibly be the driving force behind our peaceful leaders of the past? Waka Flocka Flame isn’t any different than any other democratic leader. He’s just more upfront. Isn’t an honest candidate refreshing?
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
Education reform is also very much on Waka Flocka’s radar. He is a positive role model for young kids, to whom he encourages to work hard in school: “Is schoolwork getting too hard? Don’t touch the blunt. Think about it. Wait until you’re old enough.” In Mr. Flame’s opinion, school needs to focus on teaching students skills that are more applicable to their day-to-day lives outside of school, or “reality skills.” Kids should be learning to file taxes, save for retirement, say no to drugs (for now), or deal with tough social situations. Oh, and they should know his lyrics, including but not limited to:
“Waka waka waka flocka flocka waka waka yeah!
Waka flocka flocka flocka FLAME!
Waka flocka flocka waka flocka flocka waka flocka FLOCKA!
Waka flocka flocka waka waka flocka flocka yeah! Waka flocka flocka flocka BRIIIIIIIIICK SQUUUUUAAAAAD!! FLOCKA!”
Returning to the economic front, Mr. Flame also mentions in the official video that he is a big proponent of increasing the minimum wage, ‘cause In-n-Out Burger pays their employees $15 an hour, and they’re smart. I’m not sure how anyone could disagree with this policy, as fast-food workers are barely able to scrape by each month on their current wages. Minimum wage in most states is not at a livable level. These people are dealing with rude people and smelly food every single day and they don’t make nearly enough money for it. And Waka promises to change that. This is really a candidate with promise.
Mr. Flame is also in favor of increasing executive power within the federal government, and giving little to no control to the Senate or House. When asked further about this controversial stance, Waka commented: “Fuck congress. What are they thinking about? I am congress. I’m president.” I have to say that I’m with him on this one. What does congress do anyway? The check-and-balance system of government is old news. Elect Waka Flocka Flame for supreme overlord in 2016.
Waka Flocka has also expressed opinions about a few less-than-hot topics, but important ones nonetheless. As King of America, he plans to ban dogs from entering restaurants, big-footed individuals from walking on the sidewalk, and wearing formal wear in the White House. You want to wear a tie when you go to work in Washington DC? Forget it. Take that shit off.
What else is there to say? For those of voting age, this is an obvious choice. #Waka2016
