Valentine’s Day: A Post-Mortem

Unless you managed to avoid every public space on campus yesterday or have recently chucked your phone into the Providence River, you’ll know that Valentine’s Day once again reared its ugly head. However, time marches on, and this hallowed day is now in the past. Seriously. It’s over. Delete the couple pictures from your story and put the red lipstick – which doesn’t suit anyone – away for another year.

Now that Valentine’s Day 2023 (VD23, if you will) is but a memory, it seems fitting to evaluate what we’ve all just *experienced*. While it’s still fresh in all our minds, indulge me as I take a look at some standout moments from VD23.

The Blue Room turned into a flower market

Who knew that the Blue Room was so woefully underused as a mere coffee/work/hangout spot? Yesterday, countless student groups stole tables, set up shop, and coerced their peers into buying literal weeds. Like the lowly flower-sellers in Oliver Twist, they pulled on our purseheartstrings and compelled hordes of people to buy flowers that would inevitably wilt and die when shoved in a backpack and starved of water and sunlight.

My favourite part was watching groups of men staring gormlessly at supermarket roses, trying to guess what their soon-to-be-ex girlfriend would like best because they didn’t listen when she told them that she likes peonies à la Blair in Gossip Girl and thus forgot to plan ahead.

Dollars were squandered, but at least the Ultimate Frisbee ‘team’ will be able to fund their next ‘tournament’.

People showed off their partners on Instagram

Pros: finding out that two randomistas you know are dating. #worldscollide

Cons: cringy pictures! I do not need to see you and your partner canoodling in the comfort of my own home. Life was better in the Victorian times when people were afraid of ankles.

Acapella finally made a positive contribution to campus in the form of ‘Singing Valentines’

Singing Valentines are the best thing acapella has done for society since Pitch Perfect. You could not pay me to attend one of their concerts, but I would – and did – splurge every cent earned at my minimum wage campus job to humiliate a friend/lover/nemesis in a packed lecture hall (see image).

Datamatch proved – once again – that it is a farce

I have not seen a single person even remotely excited by any of their matches, which is impressive because most people I know are starved of human touch and companionship.

There’s not even an excuse for it because Datamatch forces its victims to lay all their cards on the table. I tell you that if I could do any psychology experiment, I’d dress up as a lab rat and beg a scientist from Connecticut to feed me cocaine and you find me the love of my life. Simple, no? Apparently not. Datamatch seems like a sure-fire way to turn two perfectly happy strangers into people who now have to avoid making eye contact in the Nelson (someone who has been to the Nelson please confirm).

People do not know how to style pinks and reds

You wouldn’t know a colour wheel if it hit you in the face. Please work on this for next year’s festive outfit or – better yet – stick to your usual variations on black.

So, there goes another Valentine’s Day, and the ‘love’ in the air has once again been overpowered by the odorous products of eating at the Ratty for months on end. Whether you’re single or lucky enough to be in a co-dependent relationship, take this day to cherish your friends (remember them?). Unless of course, you’re a freshman and are starting to realise you hate everyone featured in your Fall Instagram dump. Bonne chance!