Valentine’s and Data Mines

Do you feel like your significant other doesn’t fully understand you? Do you want to be with someone who knows you automatically, and doesn’t ask you to go out of your way to explain all of your interests, shopping needs, or most used words? This Valentine’s Day, dump your partner to be with Facebook. Valentine’s Day is a time for love and consumerism, and Facebook is the ideal partner because it knows what you want (to buy) before you do. It lingers in the background of your browser, picking up all the little bits of information you leave in order to craft the perfect Valentine’s gift list. How convenient! If you don’t browse much, don’t worry—Facebook might even be listening to you talk.

Facebook knows where to take you out to eat without having to ask, as well as your favorite type of candy, the type of stuffed animal you want, and the type of flowers you find the prettiest. Didn’t know you had a stuffed animal preference? Don’t worry, Facebook did. If there’s anything Facebook doesn’t know you want yet, just drop a few hints. Facebook will be sure to pick up on them, unlike your current partner. Facebook really pays attention to the small things—no mention of cool shoes or nice sweaters will get past it. If you don’t believe me, just open Facebook in one tab and Amazon in another and spend some time looking at your ideal Valentine’s gift on Amazon. Facebook will remember exactly what it is you wanted without you ever needing to mention it again.

Facebook knows you well enough to help you consume effectively and efficiently. You won’t have to deal with pretending to like a gift you really didn’t want—instead you’ll be pleasantly terrified by the accuracy and specificity of Facebook’s gifts.

The benefits to spending Valentine’s Day with Facebook are endless (candy, jewelry, flowers, etc) and the drawbacks are negligible (love, affection, kindness—who needs it?). Ditch companionship for consumerism this Valentine’s Day, and dump your partner for Facebook.

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