In a spectacular display of tone-deafness, a group of bagpipe-playing pro-lifers found themselves on the receiving end of a cacophony of boos, jeers, and bewildering musical requests from the unimpressed crowd of Brown students who were just trying to pick up their Halloween costumes from the mailroom. Despite the group’s misguided belief that bagpipes were the key to winning hearts, minds, and uteruses, these men soon realized that not even the most harmonious of melodies could drown out the chorus of disapproval from the masses.
Noah Bhorchen, a sign-holding member of Brown’s latest public nuisance, expressed his bewilderment at this hostile reception. “I genuinely thought our musical prowess would convince them of our cause,” he said, clearly distraught. Bhorchen’s confusion only deepened when our reporter put forth the audacious idea that disrupting the public peace on quite possibly the nicest day of October to protest a medical procedure that Bhorchen himself would never have to undergo, might not be universally appreciated.
Emboldened by Mr. Bhorchen’s candor, Hugh Inselle, another member of this strange band, recounted his own traumatic encounters with the Brown student body, struggling to decipher the mysterious jargon being thrown his way. “They spoke of strange things- gyatts, Rizzlers, and something called a clitoris. I wondered if I had stumbled into a satanic ritual,” he admitted with a thousand-yard stare, clearly horrified by the experience.
Undeterred by this unmistakable setback, the resilient pro-lifers regrouped for a brainstorming session, hoping to salvage their mission. Much of their meeting, like their lasting impact on student views, was ultimately pointless. Witness overheard Inselle, solemnly addressing his distressed bandmates. “Today, my brothers, we braved the cultural abyss of Brown University; yet our cosplay and bagpipes fell on deaf ears. Fear not, for we shall try again. Perhaps pole dancing or a drag show will captivate their attention,” he announced, his voice resonating with inspiring determination.
A few hours after the cacophony had died down, witnesses reported sightings of “vaguely Catholic-looking men” frantically scouring Spirit Halloween for drag costumes and stripper poles, desperately hoping that sequins, stilettos, and fishnet tights would succeed where the bagpipes had failed. Only time will tell if their innovation and adaptability will win over the discerning scholars of Brown University.