Unless you’ve been living under a rock (in which case slay nature queen!), you’ve probably heard that UFB recently slashed student club budgets in a massive way. Clearly, UFB saw what all the girlies were reading and is now taking their own “year of rest and relaxation.” Except unlike the protagonist of Moshfegh’s femcel bible, this incompetence has consequences.
According to Femi Neesm, head of the Anti-Colonial Post-Capitalist Radical Mag for Girls with Septums, their $100 budget was reduced to a pile of soggy napkins and a broken Elf Bar.
“They could’ve at least given us one that actually works,” Neesm groaned.
When we asked UFB for comment, they shot our reporter and buried her under Sayles. RIP Stacey!
According to a recent UFB email, the budget cuts impacted all student groups equally. “We were totally fair about it,” said a UFB member wearing a “STEM rulez, arts drool” T-shirt in a recent Instagram live.
Though many were not aware of UFB’s existence before this year’s flaming trash pile of a saga, it’s been around for a sec. UFB — which stands for U Fuck no Bitches — spent their entire surplus last year burning through their budget faster than you can say “could we please have funding lol.”
But students have taken matters into their own hands, declaring the Main Green no longer a safe space for UFB members.
“It’s the least we can do to take action,” said Indy Paperson, whose club — a student newspaper that publishes sepia-toned pictures of dead plants in an effort to critique capitalism — found its budget slashed in half this year.
Paperson — who recently purchased $500 worth of pitchforks from Amazon — also said the lack of women on the board was appalling. When asked by students such as Paperson what they were doing to increase diversity on the board, UFB said they were going to create a secretary position. The description on Workday said applicants should be “busty” and “know shorthand.”
In an effort to boost gender diversity on the board, UFB has been seen plastering campus with Barbie-themed posters that say “Girls can do spreadsheets too!”
We recently sent an undercover Rib member to a UFB meeting (the cowardly, quivering Brown Noser could never), posing as a club leader asking for more money. According to the anonymous source, when she asked for more funding for the fictional club, they took out matching baby blue knives — that must be where all that funding goes! — and stabbed her á la Julius Caesar (shout out Wriston quad!). Luckily, the board lacks real-world skills and common sense, so they missed her vital organs.
In lieu of official comment, we tried to get some quotes from UFB members in the wild. “I have so much experience in budget management,” a UFB member was heard recently boasting in Principles of Economics, which he is retaking for the fourth time after NC-ing it repeatedly. “I literally have a piggy bank that my mommy gave me for Christmas.”
Well, one thing’s for sure: UFB is in its flop era. Several UFB members have recently removed their UFB positions from their LinkedIn profiles to avoid being attacked by their peers. In fact, saying “I’m not on UFB” has become a common pick-up line at parties, with a near 100% success rate.
Honestly, if you’re a club, just think of UFB like a shitty one-night stand: they’ll fuck you and leave you with nothing.
And if you’re reading this, UFB, what are you going to do? Cut our $75/year? Boo fucking hoo.