I thought I was finally free once I turned 14 and said to myself, “Nicole, the Twilight Saga is not a good representation of healthy relationships. Also, it’s just crap.” But Stephenie Meyer, that brilliant s.o.b, pulled me right in again when she just dropped a gender-bent version of Twilight (excuse me, Life and Death: Twilight Reimagined) to celebrate the saga’s 10th anniversary. Basically, Bella is now Beaufort (ew?) and Edward is now Edythe (less ew) and so on.
For those who haven’t read the Twilight Saga: congratulations. It’s the second biggest catastrophe of a book ever written, and inspired the first biggest catastrophe. In summary: Special Snowflake Bella moves to Forks, Washington, which is full of people who aren’t as witty or intelligent as Bella (according to Bella). A bunch of guys are inexplicably attracted to her because she’s “not like other girls” but she does have boobs. Bella falls in love with broody vampire Edward Cullen who stalks her and watches her sleep which is grade-A creepy, but he’s sexy, so it’s okay. Plot, plot, plot, love triangle between Bella, Jacob “Boo-Hoo, I’m in the Friend-zone and a Werewolf” Black, and Edward. The saga is pretty rife with emotional manipulation and overall ickiness, Bella as much of an instigator as the two dudes.
Meyer’s motivation behind Life and Death, besides making oodles of cash off pathetic losers (me), was to prove her dismal excuse for literature wasn’t totally sexist and abusive: “The gender reversal was meant to debunk the idea that Bella’s character is ‘too consumed with her love interest,’ as if that’s somehow just a girl thing.”
I decided to purchase the book to analyze whether she succeeded in her endeavor. Which is just my excuse to drop 13 bucks on this piece of trash. My journey reading this was a lengthy one though honestly, I didn’t even have to OPEN THE BOOK for the first whiff of sexism. Stephenie “I’m Definitely NOT Sexist” Meyers literally gendered apples? APPLES!!!
In a more serious vein, Meyer basically debunked her own debunking before the book was even released. In an interview, she claimed Beau would be more “OCD” than Bella and his language would be less “flowery” than Bella’s. So, in an effort to not be sexist and terrible, she minimizes a legitimate mental disorder and makes him talk more like a dude because eloquence = femininity apparently? God, Steph, pull it together.
I read the rest of the book, wondering if I would find a more feminist story than the original. No such luck. Like three pages into the book, I uncovered that Beaufort is a BORE-fort (and also sexist). While Bella’s reaction to Fork’s lush landscape was “It was beautiful, of course,” Beaufort claims:
Beau struggles to appreciate nature while still retaining his fragile masculinity. It’s a frickin’ tree, Beau, not a penis. Beau and Bella still retain some of the same annoying qualities, like spending an entire page talking about how sad their lives are because they’re sooooo different from everyone.
I would’ve shoved him into lockers, too. Also, instead of actually maybe portraying OCD as a legitimate disorder, Stephenie wrote maybe two lines exemplifying Beau’s OCD. I shouldn’t’ve expected anything less.
Beau likes to separate his perishables from his canned foods. That’s pretty much the only thing OCD is, right? Right? Stephenie continues to disappoint me in a scene where Beau reads a book to chillax ( because dating a vampire is stressful).
Bella likes to curl up in her quilt and read Jane Austen’s greatest works. Clearly, despite being the protagonist in a supernatural romance novel where he falls in love with a girl AFTER TALKING TO HER FOR THREE WEEKS, Beau finds it too emasculating to read Jane Austen. He instead immerses himself in Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, which is the right level of action/adventure for a dude, but also a literary classic so he can retain his elitism.
One of the most iconic Bella/Edward scenes in Twilight is when she passes out as the sight of blood in her class and her Vampy Prince Charming scoops her up bridal style and carries her to the nurse’s office. Bella faints because blood just makes her queasy, and Beau, well:
Apparently, Beau, our manly, manly, man, can’t be as frail as Bella and simply pass out just because. Nooooo, that would make him too fragile, Steph needs to give him a fancy sounding medical condition to justify it. Sigh.
Probably the final nail in my coffin is how Stephanie basically copied and pasted the last line of Breaking Dawn, spoken by Bella: “And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect peace of our forever.” It’s nice, poetic little ending, but, don’t worry, she made it more suitable for Beaufort to say:
Riiiiight, poetry and flowery language aren’t Beau’s strong suits. ‘Cause he’s a guy. With testosterone. Not sure if that was made clear enough?
In conclusion: WHY STEPHENIE??? Why did you make me endure this mess? Honestly, it doesn’t matter how many genders, ages, or hair colors that you bend. Ya book is still sexist and an eyesore. I will be emailing Apple and asking them to refund my 13 dollars to compensate the trauma Life and Death: Twilight Reimagined caused me.
P.S. Stephenie, I know I talk a lot of smack, but if you’re really planning on releasing Midnight Sun finally, can you send me a pre-order link?
P.P.S. Still Team Edythe.