Imagine this: It is a frigid, wet Providence evening and you are absolutely famished from your singular class of the day and two-hour-long “study session” (where you actually DID study, despite what your TikTok screen time says). You find yourself wandering, wondering what will satiate your grumbling tum.
Alas, the dingy street lights of Thayer guide you like the North Star, and you find yourself standing in front of the Morriss entrance to V-Dub. You decide that, while you are starving, you are not desperate or in desire of food poisoning (Sorry for the slander, V-Dub enjoyers; it’s for the plot). You walk a treacherous 375-foot journey over to the hotter dining choice: Andrews. You notice that, despite it being a relatively popular dinner hour, the line is rather short. How convenient!
You happily make your way through the line, thanking each member of the dining staff and pocketing 5 concerningly large oranges because stealing free fruit somehow compensates for the $90,000 you are paying each year for this fuck ass education. The oranges won’t pay off your student loans, but at least Vitamin C helps lower your blood pressure. God only knows CPax loves to test your sensitivity to hypertension!
You eat in peaceful solitude, finding comfort in whatever protein-vegetable-rice combination Andrews is serving that night. You dispose of the 50 pounds of non-biodegradable materials and reassure yourself that the new reusable take-out boxes in the Ratty and V-Dub are canceling out the effects of Andrews’ love for plastic. What a privilege it is to attend such an environmentally friendly, forward-thinking institution of higher learning!
On the way back to your sleeping quarters, you briefly run into a friend! My, oh my, this day just keeps getting better! You make fun conversation for a bit before you notice the small bowl and box in their hand. Suddenly, your Andrews bowl is not sitting right with you.
“What might that be?” You inquire.
“My dinner!” they respond happily. “It’s tomato soup and grilled cheese night in the Ivy Room.”
The world darkens. How could you have made such a drastically uninformed decision? You chose an Andrews Bowl over an Ivy Room specialty — nay, delicacy. You begin to ponder how you could allow yourself to stoop to such levels. Why hadn’t you checked the in-app menus? Why hadn’t you simply walked down Thayer in the opposite direction? Why would the universe extend the hand of betrayal in such an intense manner, and why did you accept it so swiftly?
You continue the slow and tedious walk back to your room, wallowing in your poor decision-making skills and wishing you had paid more attention in CLPS 0220. As you enter your bedroom, you collapse onto your floor and drown in a pool of self-pity. You then recall the plethora of stolen oranges and an ounce of joy is restored! Huzzah! You reach for an orange, digging your thumb into the rind and peeling it away. You then have a final humbling epiphany; The last straw of your evening, you have been pushed over the edge for the last God Damn time.
You look down, and there, in your cold, tired hand is a fucking grapefruit.