Seasons change, SV events come and go, and friendships implode, but one thing remains constant on this campus: Today@Brown. Just like the fine men of Brown, University Communications have nailed that latenight notification: 1:14 am and you’ve got mail! But with the university’s increasing endowment, students want more bang for their buck! How are we supposed to spend our time after 6 p.m.? Following much deliberation, the Brown Office of Communications has finally answered our prayers and expanded its horizons beyond dawn and towards dusk. It is The Rib’s distinct pleasure to present to you: Tonight@Brown.
Upcoming Payments Due [Action Required]
This Thursday, break the bank for the Art Bar party of your dreams! For just $15 you too can dress up as an 1980s Jersey Shore space cowboy. Your Modern Love corset is sure to fit the bill, even if not your body! Dance the night away with your favorite wannabe DJ. Is he just a friend of the host? Yes, but he’s got a laptop, a dream, and a confidence that far exceeds his rhythm. Best of all, you’ll leave the evening with a sophisticated souvenir that suits the kind of polished partygoer you are: a giant X on your hand! You’ll certainly look sharp(ie) for that meeting with your professor tomorrow.
Savvy Ways to Save Money
- Want to go out this weekend without going over your budget? Hop into a stranger’s Uber! It’s a great way to reduce expenses and pollution! You’ll make savings and new friends; carpooling is the new DataMatch anyway.
- Spending precious flex points on a “spicy with” at Jos’? Try stealing a Smuckers’ uncrustable instead…or two…or three. Make like your Dad at a Costco sample stand and fill those pockets to the brim!
- Are your attempts to keep warm breaking the bank? Log off the North Face website and steal a jacket at your next soiree! Kevin’s Patagonia puffer was doomed to be lost at that party, and if you can’t be part of the solution…you may as well be part of the problem.
Fun Fellowship Opportunities!
Nothing says fellowship quite like being chained to your fellow fratty friends: the Brown Men’s Hockey Team. That’s right, it’s Champagne Shackles this Saturday and no one is more excited to break the ice than that sweaty guy from your stats class. Having just turned 27, the hockey players are the kind of mature men you’d love to chat to about normal college stuff like tax returns, mortgages, and microbreweries. And just when you thought things couldn’t get any better, the Brown Consulting Club will join the mix. The conversations will be as effervescent as that day-old champagne and the only thing brief will be that briefcase they carry around all day.
Jesús Remigio Seeks Research Assistant
Look, if no one else is willing to slide into your DMs, at least you can count on Dr. Jesús Remigio for that late night check-in: “Hey beautiful, wanna talk brainy?” Dr. Remigio would love to be your sneaky link…to Brown’s neurodiversity website. To him, you’re not like other girls, you’re (chemically) different. Jesús wants you, he needs you, and in fact he’s willing to pay you! And isn’t $40 better than that raggedy Billabong t-shirt your ex left you anyway?
Seeking Addiction Study Participants
Crippling dependency issues got you down? Well, Brown’s Psychology Department is here to help you find, and fund, your nicotine addiction! In the name of research, you’ll see how student smokers survive! Participation includes standing outside your local shindig and watching the freshmen try to bum a cigarette, and helping your friend – who “only vapes when they’re drunk” – scavenge for their Juul on the party floor. In addition to Department compensation, you’ll receive a stylish wristband to keep track of you and your addiction at all times! Strangers will think you’re a recent convict, but the only crime you’ve committed is science.
Student Support Groups
- Hope for Peaked in High School!
I know it’s hard. You were the president of your prep school, the captain of the crew team, and the first chair flutist, but nobody seems to care! You got a perfect score on the ACT first try and everyone’s acting like it doesn’t even matter! Well this Saturday morning, alert everyone to your overachievements. Meeting begins at 9 am, which is perfect since you’re an early riser anyway!
- Outfit Anxiety Alliance!
Friends not sympathizing with your pre-party panic? Let the Alliance affirm all your appearance anxieties. Those identical jeans definitely fit differently. That tube top is totally warm enough in thirty degrees. Your nipples look perky, not like pepperoni. That corset says “bring me home for Christmas,” and not “I want you carnally”. And, of course, the Air Force Ones are sluttier than the Sambas.
- Influencers Incorporated!
You were born to be a star…or at least an Aroma Joe’s spokesperson, so let Influencers Incorporated help you follow your dreams (and their Instagram page). Blur the line between artsy and edgy by putting your disposable camera out of focus. Get exciting new brand deals, like energy drinks still pending FDA approval! We promise you’ll be the buzz of campus…and that’s because you’ll be sponsored by Bumble!
Important Deadlines
This Saturday, start your engines for the Bruno bi-weekly sprint to Jo’s! Racers will take their places at 1:58 am. Like all other deadlines at Brown, students will leave the race to the very last minute and inevitably beg for an extension: “Please, I just want some fries!!” Upon arrival at Jos, you’ll be met with folks from freshman year who you haven’t seen in months. But that’s no excuse not to make a scene! Solute these strangers with the most grandiose greeting imaginable: the bigger the shriek the better!
Safety Notices You Need to Know!
Warning: sketchy seniors spotted! This weekend, watch out for backward baseball caps, quarter zips, and supposed latex allergies; these Jake, Jeremies, and Justins are real rubber rebel rousers! Witnesses report that these walking red flags will do anything for you to try their drink. “C’mon just one taste to take the edge off”…Yeah, and your central nervous system along with it. We implore you, abstain from their alcoholic abominations; you’ll feel less roofie rough in the morning for it.
Important Cancellations
The following have been canceled with immediate effect:
- Passing out at the pregame
“Just one more shot before we go!” Let’s take a page from Cinderella’s book and hit the road by midnight. One too many and your clothes will turn into rags, you’ll lose a shoe, and go home with the guy who looks deceivingly like a rat: get away from that Gus-Gus!
- Chatting about class
As sexy as your seminar is, no hookup ever started with homework. If you’re trying to get frisky, forget about faculty, rid yourself of research, and toss those tests to the side. I promise, it’s not your academic assets they’re after! Abandon your scholarly ways and stick to the safe word: “Shots!!”
- Fist-bumping flings
Yesterday he saw you naked and now he’s giving you a handshake? What’s a gal to do? High five your hookup? Dab up your date? Bow to your beau? There’s no need to reinvent the wheel of welcomes. Stay safe and stick to the sweaty side hug instead!
- Playing Party in the USA
Patriotism is dead, let this song die with it.
Spiritual Opportunities
After praying last night that you didn’t lose your ID card, take the opportunity to step into your spirituality! There’s no better time to connect with the Divine than when dragging yourself to the dining hall. Afterall, nothing says religiosity like the Ratty: those pancakes are a God-send! As you cross the campus chapel on your way, pay a visit to the Priest! Father Edmunton would love nothing more than to spill the tea while you repent your sins; he knows how to put the gossip in gospel.
SoBear Sundays
When you inevitably swear off drinking in the morning, SoBear will support all your sober needs! Come along next Friday for their finger painting party, I promise they’ll scare you straight…into alcoholism. Remember, if all else fails, who ya gonna call? Health Services!