As a native New Englander, I am fiercely loyal to the best football team the NFL has ever seen: The Patriots. I defend this team and its superstar players with great enthusiasm and a sporadic Rhode Island accent. Therefore, I am livid about the rumors of a Tom Brady-Gisele Bündchen divorce that I’ve read in the highly-esteemed literary magazine, Us Weekly. I believe it is my duty to dispel the rumors of separation surrounding this beautiful couple, especially since “Lovesong” by the Cure just came up on my Spotify shuffle. That’s a sign from the universe if I’ve ever seen one.
They are America’s power couple: Gisele Caroline Bündchen, a five-foot-eleven Brazilian goddess who’s been modeling for nearly twenty years, and Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, Jr., a majestic six-foot-four pegasus with four Superbowl rings and a luscious mane of hair. Even with his busy schedule, this guy has time to have a photo-shoot with a goat.
Never in my life did I think I would be jealous of a goat. Tommy and Gisele have been married for six years and have two children named Benjamin and Vivian. Oh yeah, one tiny detail: their net worth is over $400 million. What do you even do with that kind of dough?
The rumors of divorce all began with a picture of Christine Ouzounian, former nanny and sidechick of Ben Affleck, wearing Tommy’s superbowl rings. At the time, she was on a private jet with Tommy and Ben on the way to a charity poker tournament. People started saying that Tommy could be having an affair with Christine…WRONG! Anything involving Christine is no good; she does it all for media attention. Obviously, Ben is no good for cheating on Jen, and I will never forgive him, but Christine took it to another level: she tipped off the ‘razzi when she and Ben would be somewhere together so they could get pictures. Clearly, the photo of her with the superbowl rings was another attempt to get into the spotlight.
Next up, this photo of Tommy and Gisele surfaced on Twitter after they went to a movie. Twitter user @mike_kix had this to say: “yeah, they look like they’re really enjoying it. lol” Luckily, @Michelle_M_74 shut down the negativity: “HAHA, I would look pissy too if the cameras were in my face.” Besides, they probably just saw Everest.
A final headline reads, “Gisele Bundchen looks downcast as she joins husband Tom Brady to attend his sister Nancy’s wedding in Boston,” followed by this photo:
Silly Gisele, don’t you know that because you’re a supermodel, you can’t check your footing every once in a while, even if you’re watching out for little Vivian on those steep stairs? Clearly, this is a sign of marital trouble! Next time, we suggest holding Tom’s hand and letting Vivian attempt the stairs alone. She might fall, but that’s okay! At least we’ll know how much you and Tom love each other.
So, even though the man can’t get a decent high-five, he doesn’t need one as long as he’s got his perfect 10: Gisele. Tom’s a 10 too, which means as a couple, they’re a 20. Tommy and Gisele are in a strong and beautiful marriage, of which Tommy recently said, “We’re in a great place…there’s no bigger supporter I have than her. I don’t think anything will ever get in the way of that.” Cue the collective ‘awwwwwww.’