We are pleased to update the Brown community on an exciting new initiative from the Department of Public Safety. Recent research is showing that more than 82% of college students nationwide report that they do not feel safe on their campuses. Despite the ever-growing market for items like pepper spray, retractable keys, and stun guns, many people still feel that their wellbeing is in jeopardy whenever they take a simple, late-night stroll. Brown University, however, is kickstarting a new initiative to guarantee its students safety, whether they are walking back from the Sci-Li after a nighttime study session, or heading to Joe’s for a midnight snack. What could this miracle product be, you might ask? Well, it turns out that it’s been in our arsenal for almost twenty years. The product? Skechers Light-Up Sneakers.
Get ready to move those shoes from the playground to your Chem Lab because these childhood favorites are back and better than ever! A recent study sponsored by an unnamed company (definitely not Skechers) showed that there is a genuine psychological reaction that the light-up gems produce, repelling 97% of humanity. A Rib representative spoke to one of the leading researchers studying this phenomenon.
“You know that survival mechanism animals have when they see brightly colored things? Yeah that’s what it is.” Says Dr. Trooth.
Dr. Trooth, a renowned scientist who studies the intersection between Skecherology and violence, and has even been featured on news sites like The Onion and “Weekend Update” on SNL. She has been advocating for a mass distribution of velcro light-up sneakers amongst the youth of today. Oh and, to be clear, these shoes are only produced by Skechers (she was very adamant this be stated or “she’ll lose her funding.” She also requested we contact her family, letting them know where she is).
But how is this practical? Won’t these shoes ruin every outfit you try on? No, of course not. Shut up. While we understand the fear of wearing something as radical as shoes that have the same features as a Petco Glo-Fish, there is really nothing these shoes don’t go with. Another study funded by this anonymous company shows that people who wear these shoes on college campuses have relationships that last 0.01% longer than average. That’s right, you too can have a significant other over an hour longer than your friends if you wear these shoes! A whole extra hour to spend uncomfortably nestled on your twin bed watching Love Island – that’s a Skechers guarantee! As if that wasn’t enough, Skecherologists paired these shoes with an array of typical outfits college students wear. The results: Skechers Light Up Sneakers go with anything! Really, they do! Don’t believe us? Well you should!
Our student’s safety is of the utmost importance here at Brown. The administration here is hopeful that this new initiative will create a safer environment for its students and help foster a sense of community, by mandating these shoes as part of the dress code. So far, they have only received positive feedback from parents and students regarding the implementation of this rule. We’d love to hear what you think! Are you pro-Skechers or ready to adhere to a five o’clock curfew?!
Sincerely,
C. Pax and Russell Carey