A few weeks ago, while I was scrolling through my newsfeed, I noticed a spectacular number of people sharing the New York Times article “To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This.” In it, Mandy Len Catron tells the story of an experiment conducted by psychologist Arthur Aron, who managed to make two people fall in love in his lab, and how she copied his experimental design to fall in love with a man she sort of knew (has the study been replicated? Doubtful. Bad science is only the first red flag).
Shortly after reading the article myself and raising my eyebrows quite a few times at the cartoonish optimism I found in it (of course she and her date magically fell in love and lived happily ever after), I stumbled across the actual questions designed in Aron’s lab to make people fall in love. Many of them are interesting and have the potential to reveal things about your partner you would’ve never known otherwise. But the majority of the questions feel like summer camp conversation or sentimental goop. (For example: “9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?” or “19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?”)
Because I am an intolerable cynic and I hate anything that reads like a fairytale, I’m here to finally rain on everybody’s parade. If you really want to cultivate a strong, healthy relationship with someone, you’ve got to ask the hard questions first. You can get to the romantic stuff after.
Ladies and Gentlemen:
The 36 questions you need to ask before you fall in love.
- How comfortable are you with talking about farts?
- Poop?
- General body fluids?
- Do you steal the covers at night? Be honest.
- Do you snore?
- Three part question:
- Are you familiar with the term “swamp foot”?
- Are you familiar because you suffer from it or because you know someone who does?
- How about “swamp ass”?
- Toilet paper – over or under?
- Tits or ass?
- Pepsi or coke?
- On a scale of one to ten, where are you? You know what I mean?
- How often do you use the phrase “oh my god Chipotle is my life”?
- Are you even listening to me right now?
- Hello?
- Have you ever used the word “hegemony” in a sentence?
- Have you ever tweeted “#notallmen”?
- Do you like Linkin Park? You know, currently, not early 2000’s Linkin Park.
- Can you please stop chewing with your mouth open?
- Do you think I’m pretty?
- Why did it take you so long to answer that question??
- Thoughts on Lizzie McGuire?
- I’m hilarious, right? You read my Rib articles all the time, right?
- Are you more of a Mary Kate or Ashley?
- Really, you’re an Ashley?
- Who is your favorite Spice Girl?
- Do you know any of the words to “Let it Go?”
- Do you know all of the words to “Let it Go?”
- Do you know any of the words to that random ice song at the beginning of Frozen?
- How much time every day do you spend taking BuzzFeed quizzes?
- What are your feelings on Subway?
- Edward or Jacob?
- Have you ever cried over spilled milk?
- What are your thoughts on people who scream in their sleep? You know, just out of curiosity.
- Are you a certified masseuse?
- When was the last time you took a shower?
- White and gold? Blue and black?
- When was the last time you were employed?
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