It’s been almost one year since Timothée Chalamet graced movie screens in all of his peachy glory in Call Me by Your Name. He giggled his ways into the hearts of millions and then basically fell off the face of the earth after Oscar season. Finally, he has made his triumphant return to the movie and press scene with his latest role in Beautiful Boy, with co-star Steve Carell–except now, he’s chopped off all of the curly locks that we and Armie Hammer loved so much and replaced them with world’s worst hair cut.
Exhibit A:
It was a shock to many including me, but I am not so worried about myself. (I can fulfill my need for a guy with dark curly hair any day by looking up pictures of Harry Styles circa 2012.) No––I’m worried for little Timmy Tim’s career. Everyone knows the Oscars are a thinly veiled contest for everyone who won best hair in their high school yearbook (@ Jared Leto). In an industry built on looks, T Chals can be praised for not caring about his appearance, but not caring that you look like you cut your own bangs with a pair of safety scissors doesn’t pay for a third house in the French countryside. His performance in this new movie with Michael Scott is already getting a lot of buzz, but it might be all for naught if he can’t get his act together.
This haircut won’t just affect his Oscar prospects: it could affect his career forever with the roles he gets now. Both he and Lucas Hedges have been contending for the spot of indie movie king. They are both in Lady Bird, both from New York and they’ve both probably read Vonnegut in a dark coffee shop. They are basically Sierra Mist and Sprite. Up until this point, Timo has had a bit of a lead thanks to his luscious locks and the fact that Lucas is somewhat of a ginger. But this could all come crashing to an end very soon and Lucas could eke his way ahead as Greta Gerwig’s favorite.
If Sweet T isn’t able to keep those movie roles coming in, we might have to brace for the worst: a return to his rap career. His peers and teachers alike at LaGuardia were subjected to it years ago. He might have made the infamous “Statistics” video only to spice up a homework assignment, but he might soon find rapping to be his only viable career choice. While Noah Centineo and his head of tumbling tresses is charming his way into awards shows, Little Timmy Tim might find himself dusting off his cut off jorts and red baseball hat in an effort to get back into the rap game that he was never even his in the first place.
In an effort to save the world from this, I have already taken it upon myself to salvage the Chalamaster’s career. No need to thank me, I already took the time to nominate him for the upcoming season of Queer Eye. What he truly needs is a little visit by Mr. Jonathan Van Ness. Tan can show him the wonders of the french tuck, Bobby can entirely redo his apartment and Karamo can psychoanalyze his life’s story. Maybe Antoni can even throw in a guacamole making lesson. Timmy T’s movie is set to be released in October and I can only hope that between then and March he can invest in some mousse or the only name anyone will be calling him by is Coconut Head.
Now we know why he cut his hair… see ya Armie!