SCENARIO 1. It’s 2 am. You get that itch again, and this time it won’t go away. So, you open your Notes app; it’s time to dunk on the libs. You draft a really unpleasant dissertation on why women who have abortions should carry guns because… science? Point being, you’re seconds away from submitting it to Dear Blueno, and those poor bastards (admins, who are definitely just as bored as you) are sure to publish it. (“At least someone cares about free speech on this campus,” you’ll think, joining a Zoom class in which you’ll say whatever you want anyways).
SCENARIO 2. You just saw a really upsetting take about abortion on Dear Blueno, and the need to retort is stronger than the call of your 100+ page reading due tomorrow. Thirty minutes later, you have an expertly-crafted response, and you’re ready to have it scrutinized by strangers and nosey parents who just came to see a good fight.
If either of those are you then HOLD UP! You’re not alone (literally, as all Brown students can be sorted into one of these two categories), however, it’s time to open your eyes to other options.
- Read a book on women’s healthcare
- Do some karate
- Snort some Ritalin
- Get into a digital altercation with strangers on Reddit (you may have to throw the first punch. Might we suggest the following: “If you love abortion so much, why don’t you marry it?”)
- Have a mini fashion show with your roommates
- Write fanfiction smut (Bridgerton characters are a solid, bipartisan choice)
- Pound a lemon Truly
- Crack your knuckles
- Write a Dear Blueno post about how college football players deserve more respect, but in a style that’s so outlandish that it could be satire?? No one will be able to tell
- Just consider how posting about abortion will not change anybody’s mind about the topic, the same way that having an opinion about Andrew’s pho will not get you closer to determining whether it’s good pho or not
- Date someone who eerily resembles you (then you can appear on hit E! show, Dating my Doppelgänger) (and have your picture posted on Siblings or Dating!) (And scrutinized by strangers!)
- Did we mention Ritalin?
Image via.