Sometimes, we like to think we aren’t just one in seven billion. We like to think we are *unique!* and have our own exciting and potentially world-changing attributes. As Dr. Suess once told me when I was five and a half, “Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you.” Definitely a smart (and world-changing) man. No doubt there. It’s been confirmed that I am me! And me is not you! But despite the ways in which we differentiate ourselves from all the other phes, there are a few things that are utterly unifying.
Here is a list of things you do more often than not (and I do too!) that make you human AND make you, you:
1. (Discretely) picking a booger with your pinky and then either look at it for a while or flick it onto the floor. I’d have to say I’d rather you not fling it in my direction but what can you do when you think I don’t see you?
2. Walking down Thayer street pulling out a fat wedgey. You think no one can see because your backpack covers your butt? Wrong.
3. Meeting someone new and shaking their hand right after you’ve washed yours in the bathroom…and then having to explain that they’re wet because you just washed them and didn’t want to wait for the line to use those damn powerhouse hand driers since apparently every one is going green these days. By the time you’ve explained the saga, you don’t even remember their name.
4. Even worse than #4: Meeting someone new after using the bathroom and NOT washing your hands. (Yes, we’ve all done that too.) [Ed.: Have we, though?]
5. Digging into the back of your mouth to dislodge a piece of apple that is stuck in your left molar. It’s wildly uncomfortable, I know, but you also just stuck your whole hand in your mouth…
6. Tripping up the stairs. I don’t get it either, but god dammit it happens far too often.
7. Thinking you look sexy and chill when you waltz out of the bathroom at a party because you’re probably semi-intoxicated and everyone’s looking at you. But then a kind samaritan tells you that you have toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Wishful thinking, honey!
8. Friday night shots with your ladies at the bar before you hit the town?! The bartender and the random dude next to you definitely saw you “accidentally” pour half of it onto the floor and still cringe like you drank gasoline.
9. “Singing” along with your friends in the car to some one-hit wonder they all happened to love in 7th grade. They know every word by heart and you feel a little lame. Despite your best efforts to pretend you know the words too, let alone the song at all, your friends can definitely tell that you’re just making noise.
10. Being that person who gets up in a seminar class five minutes before the designated break because you just can’t wait. If you don’t make it to the toilet ASAP there may or may not be an accident… I know you tried your hardest, but now the professor thinks you’re a slacker.
But don’t be embarrassed when #3 happens tomorrow and #7 later tonight. It happens to the best (and worst) of us. Even Beyonce’s been there. Here’s to being human!
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