It’s been 8 years since you poked your 8th grade crush and you’ve been waiting patiently for him to respond to your flirtation. Since he obviously just forgot, it’s time to remind him that you’re still the same cool, well-adjusted, not-at-all-overly-sweaty catch you were in middle school. Here are five things you can post on Facebook to get him to give you the poke/emotional affirmation you’ve been craving for nearly a decade!!!
A status that says ‘snow day 2day….sooo excited :D”
Your best bet is to recreate the exact circumstances under which the fateful, unrequited poke was sent. You had just gotten a precious, early morning call from the superintendent saying there was a snow day, so you immediately went to Facebook to show your 62 friends that you were hip to the news. The day before, you and your crush were talking about the snowstorm while doing geography homework, and your crush said that his ideal snow day would consist of eating Fruit Loops in bed, listening to Green Day for four hours, and trying to see if one could skateboard in the snow. You’re pretty sure this exact conversation was your sexual awakening. To show your crush that you want him, you decided to poke him, hoping maybe he’ll get the hint and invite you over to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail. He did not poke you back and you’ve still never seen Monty Python. But, once your crush sees your status and gets over his initial confusion that you’re posting this in August, he’ll remember that day and how his power went out and prevented him from poking you back. Or something. Then he will immediately poke you back.
A Facebook memory from the 8th grade semi-formal dance
You hope that dredging up this blurry DSLR beauty your friend Jasmine’s mom took of you and the crew before the 8th grade graduation dance will make your crush will remember the good days—when he wore the airbrushed cap he got from his best friend Jeremy’s Bar Mitzvah every day and you stared longingly at him while he played Angry Birds in Computer Literacy wondering, why didn’t Jeremy invite me to his Bar Mitzvah? Not only is the specter of your crush visible in this photo, haunting the background in his unironed khakis, but you’re looking fine in the $16.99 J.C. Penney dress your mom almost didn’t let you wear because it revealed part of your training bra. “Huh, why didn’t I ask her to dance to ‘I Don’t Want To Miss a Thing?’” he’ll think, wracking his brain for a reason why you didn’t have a love connection that night in the gym. “Oh FUCK!” he’ll exclaim. “I FORGOT TO POKE HER BACK!”
An article about adult braces
On the first day of 8th grade, you debuted the honkin’ set of orthodontics that had been installed in your mouth full of wonky teeth over the summer. You were standing by your locker, already decorated with glossy Jonas Brother posters, when your crush said it: “nice braces.” He’d had a growth spurt over the summer, putting him at an impressive 5 foot 6, and his voice cracked melodiously, like an adolescent duck. You swooned, so much so that you hit your head against the locker door and went out cold. And who was standing over you when you awoke, radiating the musky scent of the drugstore cologne his older brother let him borrow? Your crush. “Uh, are you okay?” he asked. You said yes, but in fact, you had suffered a small concussion. It was the best day ever. You can remind your crush of this great memory you two share by insinuating that you’re thinking about getting braces again. When he sees that you’ve shared an article toting the benefits of Invasalign, he will immediately think of you splayed out across the hallway floor like a fresh caught fish in pink-banded braces. When he remembers how he poked you on the shoulder to see if you were responsive, his inner thoughts will race. “Braces? Poke? Facebook? Poke? Her? Now?” Yes.
A change.org petition about whales
You really can’t get a sense of your crush’s current political positions based on his social media activity. Sometimes you think he must be liberal because he’s lounging in a hammock with a can of PBR in his profile picture, but other times you wonder why he hasn’t shared a thinkpiece denouncing the Trump presidency when he’s shared plenty of articles about how Androids are better than iPhones. You want to believe that he’s still socially conscious like he was in 8th grade, when the two of you worked together on the same school-mandated community service project and raked leaves off the practice football field, so you hope you can seduce him into giving you want you want (a poke), where you want it (on Facebook), when you want it (right now, after 8 whole years) by appealing to a cause you know he cares about: saving the whales. Well, you’re pretty sure your crush likes whales. Or at least, he went on a whale watch with his family over spring break in 8th grade and proudly reported to you that he only got a little seasick. “Wow, she is just the right amount of politically engaged for me to use my mouse to click a button that says ‘Poke,’ something I forgot to do because I am dumb but also cute but also have chin acne, which will in turn give her the Facebook notification she’s been horny for all along,” he’ll say out loud. And then he’ll frickin’ do it.
The two-year anniversary post your crush’s girlfriend, Amanda, wrote for him
You know your crush’s type and it is not Amanda, the girl he’s been dating for the last two years. Your crush likes laser tag, getting Rice Krispy treats from the vending machine by the gym, and buying songs from “Glee” on iTunes even though he claims not to know what the show is about. This “Amanda” person doesn’t seem to like any of that. She’s drinking mojitos in her tagged photos, posts check-ins at DIY music venues, and talks about wanting to make “the world a better place as an art therapist.” Disgusting. Like, did she ever see your crush drop two slices of pepperoni on Pizza Day and not say anything when he still ate them? As if! You know your crush is silently suffering in his relationship, so you figure you can trick him into transferring all of his emotional investment to you in order to elicit the elusive poke. “Hmm,” he’ll muse, “I wonder why this random girl from middle school shared this extremely personal post written by my girlfriend, Amanda, who I am not compatible with at all because she made me give up parkour and Skyrim and nuggeting my own backpack. I am totally done with Amanda’s shit. Is there someone who could give me the same affection Amanda does, who accepts me as I am—someone who is proud of his three chest hairs? Wait…this isn’t some random girl. This is the girl who saw me eat floor pizza and didn’t say anything. She gets me. I love her. Wow, do I love her. I want to give her the whole world. I want to satisfy her every need. I want to make all her dreams come true.” And he does.
He pokes you back after 8 years.
Images via Sarah Clapp.