I’ve wanted to go to California for a long time. Growing up on the East Coast has been awesome, but that big ol’ state obnoxiously taking up the majority of the West Coast has so much mystery and intrigue attached. I was sick of California Dreamin’, so I planned a trip to Los Angeles and Santa Monica, got on a plane with my dad, and off I went.
The first thing I learned is that Miley Cyrus lied to me. I hopped off the plane at LAX, and I did not have a dream or a cardigan. I jumped in an Uber, not a cab, looked to my right, and could not see the Hollywood Sign. Miley, I thought we were closer than this.
Secondly, I learned that the cheap-yet-amazing billboards that can be found along I-95 in Rhode Island do not exist in Los Angeles. Instead of billboards for local attorneys, like Attorney Rob Levine (The Heavy Hitter) in RI, there were numerous billboards for movies and television shows. I’m talking eight billboards of Rami Malek’s face advertising Mr. Robot, all within walking distance of each other.
To be clear, I’m not complaining about Rami Malek’s face, because it’s not a bad face to look at. It’s more that the juxtaposition of these gigantic billboards advertising glamorous entertainment and capitalism, the Walk of Fame, and all the tourist-y shops, with the sheer amount of homelessness in the Hollywood area is astounding and disgusting and disheartening, and is there any hope for us as humans, and are we just going to keep destroying everything, and gee I wonder if the government is reading this and hey have you seen the ad for the Edward Snowden movie with Joseph Gordon-Levitt because I think it looks pretty cool I saw a billboard for it in Hollywood.
Thirdly, the Pacific Ocean is TOTALLY different than the Atlantic Ocean, Mom. The Atlantic is cold, always choppy, and more gray than blue. The Pacific Ocean is warm with big distinct waves, tons of surfers, and an almost indescribable beautiful blue hue. (Contact me for more sick tongue-twisters). There’s a reason Crayola has a Pacific Blue crayon but not an Atlantic Blue crayon. Additionally, I learned that in the event of a tsunami, all I have to do is activate my hyper-jump capabilities to get to a safe altitude.
To finish off, here’s a rapid-fire round of things I learned:
- People in Hollywood aren’t as attractive as I thought they would be. Maybe I just have a big ego.
- It’s easy to make friends in new places! Here’s me with my best friend Chip before he sacrificed himself for my hunger:
- Cold-pressed juices are everywhere, and, much like a super-fit mom of four kids who does SoulCycle twice a day, I love them!
- I ran by Derek Hough on the Santa Monica Pier. He was going fast and not wearing a shirt. My suspicions were confirmed: he is kind of funny-looking.
- There are more dogs in L.A. than in my dreams.
- I thought getting famous happened overnight. I was in California for six nights. Fame and riches are nowhere to be seen.
All in all, California lives up to the culture surrounding it. Even though I didn’t ‘get discovered’ in my single week out West, I am still a sucker for the glitz and the glamour, and nothing beats sunshine and waves.