I know I didn’t need to find more reasons to appreciate white people. I’m not the European Union’s response to the Ukrainian crisis. But although BHM has passed, the white guilt has remained. Instead of haha-ing them out of discomfort myself, I decided to make a resource they could consult as a reminder that there are still a few reasons for white people to love themselves. <3
- They are so good at themed events
Whether they are hosts or guests, no one does a themed party better than white people. Rodeo Rave? A cowboy hat and boots miraculously appear! Winter Wonderland? A pair of skis is pulled out of their bottomless closets and cavorted across the Main Green! They are over-committed and under-appreciated for this unique skill.
- They’re always on time
I have never seen a white person undertake the humiliating act of hurtling across an airport. Why? Because they’re at the boarding gate hours early, and have somehow found time to also get an iced coffee. Not me, nor my convoy of 3 families and 13 bags could ever be that prepared.
- White people stay consistent
They will always redo a high-five they missed the first time. They will always “now do a silly one” during a photoshoot. They will always commit to getting Hotel California on the party aux, and it will always play at the worst possible time.
- They support local restaurants
If there’s one thing the white family loves to do, it’s go out to eat. They have adventurous tastes in underseasoned food, and love talking to the staff. Unfortunately, I’ll never learn what Amy the server is majoring in because I will never go to a restaurant with my parents. They would rather bring their own supplies and cook in a dorm room than endure having to pay to sit around a table and talk to their kids.
- When the proletariat revolution occurs, they will be prepared
White people have generationally mastered the art of living in the wilderness in a large group setting for extended periods of time, frolicking in the grass and eating farm-to-table. At least, that’s what I’ve heard summer camp is like.
So don’t fret, white people. Let this serve as a reminder that you still can, and do, have nice things (besides you know, global hegemony and like, rights.)
Image via Buzzfeed