Everyday it seems like we are closer and closer to having Black Mirror be a reenactment of reality. Or worse, living like they did on that ship in the animated dystopian romance Wall-E, minus the space travel. Smart phones and the applications that come with them have found a way to make previously tedious or time-consuming tasks easy pease-y lemon squeeze-y, for better or worse. Hitching a ride, long-distance communication, math, Internet tab hoarding, checking the weather, period tracking, meal planning… all of this in your back pocket/front pocket/shirt pocket/fanny pack/satchel/purse.
They have even evolved to reducing common social interactions (such as ordering take-out, contacting your state representatives, buying movie tickets, encountering ex’s at parties, handing out invitations, and expressing interest in sexual encounters) to the tap of a few buttons. All of these would otherwise require one to partake in some form of conversation with a fellow human, something we have enough of already. Many of us have a difficult time going through with these because of social anxiety, chronic awkwardness, or sometimes pure and unadulterated misanthropy. In fact, I would say we could do with decreasing daily social interactions even more and, like every millennial on the planet, have some ideas for an app.
DISCLAIMER: Author is a Humanities major who whispers “Hackerman” to herself whenever she successfully makes a post and thus has no one idea of the plausibility of creating the following applications.
Not having to ask the person next door for toilet paper
We’ve all been there. Having finished our public duties, we turn to our side, reach for the toilet paper, if we have basic sense hygiene, to find that… Shit! There’s no toilet paper in the stall. What to do? Ask the person in the stall next door? Oh, the shame! The person will know what you were up to in that stall. You can’t have that.
What if, instead, with the help of your phone, you could notify the place in whose bathroom you’re currently trapped so they notify an employee, who will discreetly and quickly bring you the roll and walk out, no questions asked? The premium version could allow you to choose the kind of toilet paper you wish, if you can afford the luxury of not sanding your butt every time you have to poo at the convenience store.
The plus side of the entire ordeal is that you can take the roll home and make one of these bad boys.
Telling your significant other that you love them
Consider the following: an instant message platform that allows you to confess your deepest feelings for the person that makes your heart go boom boom pow by pre-recording your declaration of love. For a small fee, you could get a professional love poet to evaluate and embellish your sweet nothings into saccharine somethings. When you feel the moment is right, play the recording. A transcription on your screen will allow you to passionately read along and mouth the words.*
*Results of this moment of vulnerability may vary.
Telling the barista they got the order wrong
Despite what middle-aged white moms might think, baristas are only human. They don’t have supersonic hearing that allows them to hear mumbled orders over the potent blender right next to them. They might understand your order wrong. They might not hear that you also wanted a brownie with that. It happens. But you did pay for what you got, and you would like to get the right thing.
If that happens, when you receive the notification a la Uber style asking you to rate your order, fill out the optional 3-minute survey and file a request for a do-over of your order. The barista will be notified, you will electronically be charged or reimbursed the difference, and they will leave the order on a side counter, where you will apologetically place your (unfinished!) order and take the correct one. Sure, it’ll take more time, but at least you don’t have to be that asshole that goes “It was an iced latte, not an iced soy latte.”
Let the vendor at the lotion kiosk know you’re not interested
Pull out your phone as you’re approaching the kiosk and pretend you’re taking a phone call. Smile at the lotion person politely and point to the phone, shrugging and raising your hand in an apologetic motion.
You’ll have to summon your high school drama self and really sell it if you want to convince him.
The ball is in your court, app developers. I’ve already done 50% of the work for you by coming up with the idea. So whip out your computers. Type up some binary or Java. Design an original and eye-catching logo. Just. Get. To. It. Program (?) these million dollar ideas and make our world less social and much better for everyone with a daily human interaction limit.