***Yes, these questions are real!! If you’d like Xtina to use her hefty wealth of knowledge to answer your question concerning love/relationships, send it on over to theribofbrown@gmail.com. ***
Dear Xtina,
My boyfriend and I are coming up on 3.5 years together. We love and respect each other very much. However, mutual respect doesn’t exactly fuel my fire in the private hours of the night. How can I spice it up in the bedroom while retaining some dignity?
Best,
Bored Betsy
Betsy, girlfriend,
3.5 years in a relationship…Wow. Before we get started on the advice, I’d like for you take a moment of silence, honestly, for all the single ladies (and non-ladies) out there, currently eating frosting out of jars and spooning with people-shaped pillows. Betsy, you have so much already.
However, I don’t want to diminish your issue. I understand that after many years with the same hunk of flesh in your bed night after night, it’s easy to fall into the “same patterns, same routines”*. Luckily for you, I have lots of specific suggestions, proven to get any bedroom as hot as a wet American summer.
First, I encourage you think out of the box. 3.5 years is a long time, which is an opportunity because it opens you up to a whole selection of throwback options. Try recreating your first time together. What were you, 17? You were probably both great. Use all of the same moves, on the same time schedule, and don’t forget to recreate the same surprise in your eyes. Complement this with continuous dramatic readings of past text messages marking important moments in your relationship together. These strategies take you back to a place of innocence, excitement and discovery, and rarely end badly.
Thinking out of the box can also apply to role-playing. Not to sexualize some of the most familiar fictional characters of your childhood, but maybe try sexualizing some of the most familiar fictional characters of your childhood. Think role-models like Big Bird, Donald Duck, Ronald McDonald, and even Jimmy Neutron. Imagining your partner as any of these choices will make things confusing in all the right ways.
Don’t forget to think out of the box when it comes to props. Have you ever though about using whips? I’m referring to Yoplait “Whips!,” the “fluffy mousse-styled version of Yoplait, sure to satisfy even the most discerning sweet tooth.” Spread this stuff all over each other’s bodies- the sensation is unreal.
Another important strategy you should consider is catering your new sexual choices to your own shared interests. In this way, your time together can be intimate in more ways than one.
Into art? Elevate the activity by snapping Polaroids of your partner’s face the entire time. Afterward, you can make a collage of all the Polaroids you took of his sex faces. Your avant-garde boyfriend will be very about this, because it’s provocative.
Into the pre-med life? Recreate a doctor’s office experience by enjoying yourselves on a bare mattress topped with only a narrow strip of crisp white paper, touching cold metal objects to each other’s bare skin without warning, and whispering lies in his ear about how many vegetables you eat per day.
Into hipster/alternative things? Dress up in a pair of lens-less glasses, and have your partner do the same. When they inevitably fall off in the shuffle, show no shame that you’re able to see perfectly without them. Say “Kombucha” a lot, really sensually, but don’t drink any Kombucha (it’s v gross).
Into hiking/nature? Hang your partner up with rope like a bear bag, and see where things go from there. Later, try using GORP in original ways.
Into Nicholas Sparks? If you’re a bird, he’s a bird. Don’t hold back with screeching noises, and stop every once in a while to preen and peck at each other’s necks with your noses.
Into animals? Bring a live cat into the bed and place it, sleeping, on your partner’s chest. The challenge is to complete the deed without waking up the cat.
Into your extended family? Prolong foreplay with sexy questions like “What grade are you in again?” and “Remember when you couldn’t pronounce ‘spaghetti’?” Always divert for a hug when he goes in for a kiss.
Into soul patches? Have your boyfriend grow a soul patch. Look at his face a lot before and during.
Into drugs? That’s fine too.
Betsy, I hope that you have been inspired by at least some of these ideas, and are prepared to try them out even at the risk of losing some “dignity.” It’s a quality I’ve always found to be pretty overrated anyway.
Here’s to another 3.5 years!
XOXO,
Xtina
*thanks Eminem
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