Every day, I manage to drag myself to my earliest class with only a few cornflakes stuck in my hair and my pajamas cleverly disguised as real clothing. Look at me! Kicking ass and taking names. But my fight doesn’t end when I plop myself down in the fourth row of seats. Far from it. For each morning, fate brings the six most annoying human beings on planet Earth into Wilson 102 to tempt my (usually supressed) violent urges.
Now, I’m not trying to say that I’m Batman. But if I were, these six would be my biggest nemeses, and for the good of all Gotham Providence, I’d be happy to send my finest bat-shaped boomerangs spinning in the general direction of their heads.
Seem a little harsh? Well, let’s see if you could stand this rogues’ gallery…
1. The Joker
Crime: Irritation in the first degree
Strengths: Classmates with stupid senses of humor, Family Guy references
Weaknesses: Strict professors, cricket noises
Maybe it’s because he scoffed at the latest comment on Reaganomics. Maybe the professor misspelled “aggregate” on the slide. Or maybe he just cannot hold back his knee-slapping “interest” pun any longer. Whatever the reason, you can bet your ass that if this ass has something–anything–to say, it’ll come hurtling out of his mouth at lightning speeds. No one finds it funny, of course, but the sick thing about the Joker is that even the feeblest laughs will keep him encouraged. You’d better hope no one accidentally slips the word “duty” into conversation.
2. Poison Ivy
Crime: Air pollution
Strengths: To-go boxes, Ratty jambalaya
Weaknesses: Stuffed noses, Febreze
Although they may not be the poisonous neurotoxins of her Gotham counterpart, the pungent smells that emanate from this villainess’s takeout box each morning have just as debilitating of an effect on this crowded lecture hall. Hungry tummies rumble. Hungover ones roll. Even those whose stomachs were sated by an early-morning granola bar find themselves distracted by her exotic and strange scents. And god forbid she starts to eat it right in front of you–between the slurps and the smells, Econ 101 will be the furthest thing from your mind.
3. The Riddler
Crime: Voluntary time-slaughter
Strengths: Discussion sections, hard-to-see clocks
Weaknesses: Sitting behind a tall guy, TAs
Look, it’s fair to ask a question every once in a while, especially if you’re lost during a particularly hard lecture. That’s what professors are there for, anyway. But this rogue separates himself from your average confused student based on sheer volume. He can be found asking at least 30 questions a lecture, sometimes more. Some say a radioactive spill mutated his arm so it’ll fall off if it’s not raised every two seconds. And if he ever happens to phrase his latest query starting with the words “Professor, what’s your opinion on…”, you can pretty much guarantee that you’re gonna be late to your next class.
4 & 5. Twoface
Crime: Class-action distraction infractions
Strengths: The last row, huge classes
Weaknesses: Test days, good acoustics
Although they’re not quite two faces combined into one, it’s hard to think that these BFFLs aren’t getting closer and closer to that point every day. Whether it’s the deets of Becky’s party on Saturday or a frantic inquiry about the homework, their chatter will surely tear the focus from Keynesianism and leave your notes (and knowledge) gapped–and you can bet the part you missed is definitely going to be on the exam. Unless this pair falls out or flunks out, there’s nothing you can do to stop them.
6. Bane
Crime: ???
Strengths: ???
Weaknesses: ???
I’ll be honest–this guy just breathes really heavily. It’s distracting, sure, but with braces like that, who can blame him?
