We solve small problems with passive-aggressive Facebook posts, and big problems by crying in the shower. We solve national problems by dying our skin orange and spouting racist insults on broadcast television, and local problems by throwing our hands in the air and electing a donkey for mayor. We solve school problems by drinking (water, of course. Stay hydrated kids.), and math problems by rimshotting the calculus book into the nearest trashcan.
I’ve analyzed these methods, and my professional opinion is that there’s just too much going on. Too many different types of problems with their own special solution, and that solution often doesn’t do much in terms of solving.
I think it’s about time for a revolution.
From now on, let’s all solve our problems with Rock, Paper, Scissors.
Just think about how much easier things would be! Who has to take the trash out? Throw out a Rock and a Paper with your roommate dearest. Kim Kardashian or Taylor Swift? Flash those Scissors. Who’s going to be the next president of the United States? Forget the debate; we’ll just have a well-publicized, media circus style game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Trump and Clinton can come through to the stage floor, borne by costumed body builders, and take out that trash right under the spotlight.
Much easier than actually thinking about problems. You’ve got to give me credit for at least that. I take the stress out of campaign season.
All I’m saying is that Rock/Paper/Scissors a good solid step above the pointing and grunting of our caveman ancestors, certainly more enjoyable than, like, a fistfight, and perhaps more productive than jabbering away at each other on national television. If that’s not a good reason to switch the 2016 Presidential Debate out with the 2016 Presidential Rock Paper Scissors Extravaganza, I don’t know what is. At least this time, we’ll know who actually won the clash without needing stuffy white-haired gurus to tell us.
Now, we have a couple weeks, and I know that test-running this prototype on a Presidential Election might get people a bit anxious or worried. So we need to get started on a test-run right away so we can be ready by the time that comes around. We’ve got a lot of finger signs to throw if we’re going to have this method ready by November 8th.
Get ready for a revolution.
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