It can be a real treat to hang out with your extended family. They’ve known you for so long, after all. And isn’t it so special that they know all of your embarrassing bodily fluids stories? How they still remember that one time you walked into a glass door during a family reunion? How they always ask you the one question you really don’t want to answer? Seriously. Every year you think you’ve managed to avoid the familial interrogations, but somehow they can sniff out your fear faster than a truffle-hunting pig can find truffles, and they go in for the kill. But two can play at this game. Next time you’re at a family function, be ready for their questions. Fight back with answers that will make them wish they had never asked you about it in the first place.
When they ask you where you want to go to college: Oh, I’m not going to college. I’ve just been made CEO of a non-profit that’s working to save the polar bears, so I’ve got a lot on my plate. But I totally understand why your kid went to college—not everyone can be this successful at such a young age!
When they ask you what you are planning to study: I’m studying postmodern hieroglyphic poetry. But I don’t expect you to have heard of it. It’s pretty obscure. Although you are old, so maybe you do know what it is!
When they ask you why you don’t have a job yet: I think I’d like to be a mortician, but I haven’t found an opening yet. Do you know anyone who is hiring? I could give you a good deal if you ever need my services!
When they ask you if you are seeing anyone: I’m sorry, but what exactly do you mean by “seeing?” I’m not sure I’m familiar with that word. Do you think you could spell it, define it, and use it in a sentence?
When they ask you when you will have kids: I’m a responsible member of society, and I’d prefer not to contribute to the overpopulation of our planet, so probably never. Also I think all babies are gross, including yours.
When they ask you about the kids you may actually have despite your previous snarky comment about never having kids: They’re great! Google just bought Susie’s prototype for an anti-matter suit for $2.3 billion, and Peter just lost his first tooth. And how are your kids? Are they free for a playdate any time soon?
When they ask you why you’re being so obnoxious: I know you are, but what am I?
Answers such as these will probably dissuade your relatives from ever talking to you again, but is that such a bad thing? Silence is golden, after all.
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