Whoever started the rumor that having summer internships is good for getting experience or pumping up a resume is irrevocably incorrect. The real reason behind getting summer internships is making your unemployed peers feel like a blob of wasted potential.
I spent the first month of summer trying to get a job before I accepted my fate. Unfortunately, it means I have no intriguing stories to tell my future classmates and potential hookups (hardy har har). I’m sure some of you are in similar situations. I’m here to make sure you don’t seem like a total loser this year by presenting:
The Rib’s Declassified College Survival Guide:
- Tip #1: Evade Questions
Person: So, what’d you do this summer?
You: Oh, I –but wait! Is that a SPIDER CRAWLING UP YOUR NECK?!
Person: What? Oh no, that’s just my birthmark. Did you do anything cool this summer?
You: Oh God, THE BABY…IT’S COMING!
For this last one, I’ve drawn inspiration from several movies. This line is always spoken in a very surprised tone and a very surprised facial expression, as if the protagonist is completely unaware of how long they’ve been pregnant.
- Tip #2: B.S. the basics
Person: Did you do an internship or something this summer?
You: Actually, I just spent this summer really finding myself, getting down to my core nature.
Person: Oh, so like, what’d you do? Did you do anything?
You: I studied several different schools of thought on the concept of identity and the afterworld. I experienced this through a variety of mediums of art and film.
Disclaimer: This is a fancy way to say that you started and finished five new television shows.
- Tip #3: Turn it around on them:
Person: What’d you do this summer?
You: What did YOU do this summer?
Person: Um, I interned for the White House during the first half and studied abroad in Peru for the last half. What about you?
You: What about me what?
Person: What did you do this summer?
You: I just told you. I interned for the White House and studied in Peru.
Person: No, I did that.
You: NO, I DID THAT.
Person: NO, I DID THAT!
This should go on for a few minutes. Try to find an opening where you can finally escape to your 9 AM.
- Tip #4 : Be Honest
Person: Hey! What you do this summer?
You: (parkour outta there)
And there’s more. For only one like on Facebook, you can own a complete copy of the “The Rib’s Declassified College Survival Guide”. Even a quick skim will prepare you for the inevitable battle ahead.
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