There is a small part of me that takes pride in my own irresponsibility. I doubt there’s anyone that can dig themselves into a deeper pile of shit than I can through procrastination.
But then, every once in a while, I’m floored by a sudden burst of Productivity. And like the water cycle and cellular respiration, the Productivity abides by a strict guideline—phases, you could say.
- The Itch
I will be cheerfully ignoring next week’s midterm and tomorrow’s problem set, sorting through Buzzfeed and Tasty videos. And then it will strike me. A jolt of Productivity. It comes slowly, then surely, and I suddenly cannot stand the fact that my room looks like it was hit by a tornado. I get an urge to organize something. I want—no, need—to finish my homework—and next week’s homework, and next month’s project, and I might as well start studying for the final exam, while I’m at it…
- The Hesitation
There will be a brief pause. My brain is not eager to work and will attempt to rationalize its way out of having to be Productive. I still have time, my brain will say, with an air of lounging on a couch in front of a TV with a mouth full of potato chips. No one ELSE has started, probably. It’s 7:37, so I’ll start at 7:40.
Wait, now it’s 7:42. Well, better just wait and start at 8 instead.
It’s a rush of brain activity that happens in nanoseconds, but for that small span of time, there is a war inside me. It is like two fronts of a lightning storm.
- The Start of Something Beautiful
The Productivity, with its promises of finished work and feeling like an adult for once, wins out. I pause Netflix and get off my bed, and start to prepare for what will surely be a long, but Productive, night ahead. I make a schedule. I find a quiet workspace. I decide deadlines and plan rewards for myself.
My mind is sharp. My pencil is sharper.
- The Fizzle
Productivity has consumed me. I’m shooting through this math problem set like nobody’s business—I’m halfway through it before it occurs to me to stop. But then I stop, because I realize I hate math.
I don’t want to waste the Productivity though. So I put my pencil down and start organizing my cabinets. I’m halfway through one of them before I remember that no one is going to see my cabinets but me, so who cares if they’re messy? I move to my closet, desperate to keep the good vibes alive, hang two sweaters up…
- You Tried
I rotate back to the problem set. Then cabinets. Then closet. Then problem set. Then I stop, in the middle of the room, because I’m dizzy. My work, now all started, but nowhere close to finished, lies in tatters around me.
One thing is not in tatters. It is the laptop on my bed, and the Netflix tab is still open. It is the only thing in my life that is whole. It calls to me.
Rinse and repeat.
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