When you think of me, the Pillsbury Doughboy, the first thing that comes to mind is probably not “sexy.” You might even think, “He can’t even get hard! He can only get perfectly light and crispy, with an ooey-gooey center!” As the Pillsbury Doughboy, I’ve faced my fair share of rejection– from women, from ovens turned up too high, from butter that just refused to melt. But now, it’s time for me to share my story, and explain why I am justified in catfishing you on Tinder.
You see, no woman wants to sleep with a 6-inch tall man of mollified wheat. It doesn’t help that I have “boy” in my name, so women always assume I don’t have secondary sex characteristics. Being named “The Pillsbury Doughboy” is like if Colonel Sanders was named “The Sanders Child Made of Flesh and Bones”. It is both infantilizing and invasive.
So, maybe I do use a little photoshop. Maybe I do “lie” about my “height”. But I do it all for you, baby, so you don’t miss out on a single thing The Boy™ has to offer. Notably:
1. I’m hotter than your last boyfriend. Literally. Turn me up to 450 degrees babyyy.
2. I have perfect, pupil-less blue orbs for eyes. It’s very easy for me to maintain eye-contact while we hit it.
3. After I satisfy you in bed, you can spread out on your covers and luxuriate in the crumbs. They will never come out of your bed. I’m always with you.
4. I’ll keep my hat on during sex. I bet Brad or Chad couldn’t give you that bare minimum.
5. I’m not clingy like your ex; I’ll actually pass through you within hours.
6. If I didn’t catfish you, you wouldn’t get to come over to my apartment (which is just a can) and listen to me yell at my landlord to stop putting my apartment in the freezer.
7. Customer service isn’t the only kind of service I’m an expert at. Tie me up and slather me in margarine. Slice me open. I’m yours.
8. I’m rolling in dough. Remember when your last boyfriend promised, “I’m looking for a job. A boring job with a desk and not as the face of a Minnesota-based company that was once one of the world’s largest producers of grain and other foodstuffs”? And then he made you pay for all the margarine. This will never happen again.
I’m everything you never knew you needed. Just swipe right, and give me a chance to be the tube of dough in your pants.
Image via. Marielle Buxbaum