The Perils of Uber: Warnings, Woes and Worst-Case Scenarios

Using the popular app, Uber, defies every warning and common sense rule drilled into my head as a child. First of all, you must willingly get into the car of a total stranger. Not just willingly — you have requested for this stranger to come get you. The same can be said for normal cabs, I guess, but something about that yellow paint gives normal taxis the illusion of security. Anyways, you get into this stranger’s personal car… With all their stuff in it. This experience brings with it a sense of inherent discomfort — like in elementary school, when you were driven home by a mom who you didn’t really know. So, best-case scenario, you have an awkward car ride with a paid stranger. Worse case scenario? Read on, urban travelers…

Worst-Case Scenario #1: Not Your Uber

You receive the notification that your Uber has arrived, along with some description of the car make and model. “Beige Honda Civic.” Naturally, you approach the nearest beige sedan-esque car and open the rear door. Driver of said car reacts with a mixture of surprise, anger and probably yelling, “GET OUT OF MY CAR!” This is not your Uber. This is a normal person’s normal car. You stand, frozen in horror, hand on the car door. Your eyes and theirs remain locked. Their glare seems to say, “you are the worst type of person.” You slowly close their non-Uber door and back away. You experience a deep feeling of humiliation for the rest of your life.

Worst-Case Scenario #2: Sudden Onset Broke-ness

You enter the correct car and get driven to the correct location. You receive the receipt from said expedition. Your little excursion was a wee bit more expensive then previously estimated. A wee bit meaning OH MY SWEET BABY JESUS THAT IS ALL MY MONEY. Unlike the experience of driving in a normal cab, where you can watch your money draining away on the meter in front of your face and if necessary have the driver pull over so you can walk your broke ass to your destination without suffering further monetary damage, Uber allows you to drain your bank account until it’s too late. Congrats, you are forever destined to a life of poverty.

Worst-Case Scenario #3: Death

I hate to bring this to your attention,* but being an Uber driver is an excellent opportunity for a serial killer/kidnapper/generally scary person. Victims request them to come to their location and then they just get into the vehicle, no questions asked. If said crazed killer wants to just pull off at a rest stop and axe-murder their passenger, it’s not even a hassle. Or, if they’re like the serial killers on crime dramas, they drive the passenger home and stalk her for weeks before eventually decapitating her, making a human-suit from her remains. So, every time you get into an Uber, make sure to think about it as the possible site of your grisly demise. Bummer.

My intention here is not to ruin your Uber experience, but only to poison your daily life with constant fears of humiliation, destitution, and axe-murdering cab drivers. We all know that none of these things will ever overcome the benefits of convenience. Truly, this is the curse of our generation: to be turned into some psychopath’s human-suit due to our reliance on trendy apps.

* Actually, I delight in bringing this to your attention. I’m a total jerk, really.

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