I used to live a blissful life. Every day, food was gifted to me without a second thought, like the sacrifices made to the Greek gods in the good old days. I dined on warm, delicious pho during the day and engorged myself on spicy withs well into the night. It was heaven not worrying about where I would find my next meal.
This year, I have reluctantly been thrust into the wild to actually procure my own food. I’ve had to dig deep down inside myself to dredge up long buried instincts. I have tapped into my more violent nature in order to survive being off meal plan. However, it hasn’t been easy. Sometimes I pass the VDub and when I smell the chicken fingers and think about meeting up with pals for a good meal, the pain overwhelms me. I just press my face against the window like:
Alas, childhood and irresponsibility must end some time. Every day brings a new surprise and every shopping trip is an adventure…
The Eastside Jungle
I tread through the Eastside Jungle, silent, but acutely aware of my surroundings. My roommate is my hunting partner for the day. We tiptoe through the overgrowth, ready to pounce on our prey at any moment.
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Something rustles up ahead. My roommate and I dart forward towards the source of the noise. We come upon another hunter circling a five-pound bag of brown rice. We divide and conquer; my roommate pounces on the hunter, dragging the enemy down and I lunge, tackling the rice. Success on that front.
Nearby, we notice some orange trees. Picking oranges is cumbersome, tedious work, but we realize that without Odwalla smoothies constantly at our disposal, we are at risk of contracting scurvy. My roommate gives an almighty cry, and wrenches the orange tree from the earth. We continue onward, dragging the tree behind us.
Sushi Pond
We come across a deep blue Sushi Pond. I dive into the pond and swim to the bottom, where dozens of species of sushi reside. I pick up two fresh cartons of sushi, but on closer inspection I am shocked at the price. I swim back to the surface.
“It’s $8.99 a carton,” I tell my roommate.
She frowns. “How many come in one thing?”
“Like eight. I don’t think it’s worth it.”
“Agreed.” I drop the sushi back into the pond and we move on.
Frozen Foods Tundra
The nights are longer than the days, and we haven’t been able to feel our toes for more than 24 hours. We have been stuck in the Frozen Foods Tundra far too long, we know, but this is where the longest lasting goods can be found. So we persevere.
“Nicole!” My roommate calls out to me and points to an enormous mountain where, on its precipice, is a pile of Whole Wheat Eggo waffles. The Holy Grail of breakfast foods. We begin climbing instantly and quickly. As we near the summit, we notice other sets of hunters are desperate to reach the top, to snatch away the filling fiber goodness.
“We’re never gonna make it!” my roommate yells.
“We have to!” I shout back. The waffles would last us for mONTHS. We wouldn’t have to make the journey back to the tundra until after the winter ended. We would live the life of luxury! I climbed faster.
Finally, we reach the zenith! I immediately stake my claim over the waffles. My roommate and I cry out in triumphant victory! We are the queens of the hunt, and nobody should ever forget it.
So yeah, being off meal plan is actually a pretty exhilarating adventure and all, but God, at what cost? An entire week suffering from frostbite and mosquito bites? I miss the Ratty.
